Frustration and Renewal

I feel like a broken record, saying the same thing over and over again. And then doing nothing about it. I have renewed my focus once again, to start living better and losing weight. I am living a somewhat inactive lifestyle and only eating good some of the time. So there is certainly room for improvement. I am fairly frustrated with my lack of progress, although I see quite clearly why I haven't made any, since I haven't stuck to any changes.

So this means that I'm back to being more accountable, tracking my food, scheduling and hopefully participating in more exercise. Because it doesn't matter how much I try to pretend that I'm content with being at this weight, I'm not. I'm not even close.

Carry On

I keep reading more of the FA materials out there, and I see the argument that not every fat person is sitting on the couch eating junk food. It makes me think of how often I sit around eating junk food. This is not something that is easy to admit, especially since it sits squarely on my shoulders. I know that I eat more junk food than I really should. I know that I am often too sedentary for my own good. I pretty much took last week off from exercise, as I was feeling under the weather thanks to that time of the month.

Regardless, I can see that I need to be more honest with myself and take responsibility for my actions. I am not one of the fat people who are super healthy in their lifestyle. I am a fat person who can pretty easily see how and why I got to this place, as difficult as that is to admit. I noticed a lot of mindless eating this weekend. I had admitted to myself the truth last week and was doing pretty good for a few days. Then the weekend arrived and I threw that all aside to indulge a bit too much. The stupid thing is that half the time I don't even want it, but I've bought it and it's sitting there, and I end up having it because I'm bored, or because I'm watching TV. I really don't want to look back at my life and see that I could have changed my behavior and gotten healthier and felt better. I have literally made myself sick by eating too much junk food, in terms of having a sore stomach and bad digestion. WHAT AM I DOING!?

There, I've said it again. Maybe if I keep admitting it, I won't be able to easily set it aside when I want to revert to old behaviors. The other thing I always struggle with is eating more of the good stuff. You see when I'm used to having treats during the day, I literally save room for them. For example, we had sandwiches on Saturday, and instead of filling up on fairly healthy sandwiches, I only had a small one, and then had a cupcake with 2 inches of icing on it. So if I go forward and stop having the cupcake/chocolate/caramel/etc. as often, I need to replace that with some healthier food if I'm hungry. I seriously find that a difficult task sometimes, as I've trained myself to save that room for the 'good' stuff.

My goals for this week:
1. Eat mindfully - be aware of what I'm eating and how I'm feeling before, during and after.
2. Exercise at least - 3 or 4 days this week - given how busy it's going to be
3. Record my food to be accountable
4. Listen to my body

Well there we have it. We're going on vacation next week, but I refuse to fall into the "might as well eat what I want, since we're almost on vacation." I also want to move a lot and eat well on our vacation.

Just Say No

I've had two small wins in the last 24 hours that I want to note. Last night we had a moderately healthy dinner, 2 kinds of veggies, poirogies(sp?) and sausage and light sour cream. I had water instead of pop, which was getting easier and easier to have with every meal. I really wanted something sweet after dinner, which I pretty much always do. But I restrained myself and I felt fine. I wasn't really craving it badly, it's almost more of a habit lately, which isn't doing me any favors. Half the time I don't feel that great physically when I have too many rich foods, or too much sugar. So this is where the listening to my body and being more mindful of what I'm ingesting becomes important. So that's win #1.

Then today at lunch we went out with a group from work. I had a clubhouse on multigrain bread with homemade french fries, because I was quite hungry and that appealed to me. I only ate what I wanted and left some on the plate. When dessert menus went around, I said no thanks. Once again, having dessert at lunch often makes me feel sick, so duh, I should be saying no way more often. I seem to function well with 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.

So far, being accountable is going well.

Truth and Integrity

Over the long weekend I did some thinking about truth and integrity, as it applies to my body and health. I have not been truthful with myself about what the big picture is of my health, and I have not been truthful about what I'm really doing.

• I am not eating all that healthy most of the time
• I am not pushing myself to gain fitness
• I am not listening to my body all the time

There, I said it. I have gotten really good at living in denial about my body and health. I have used FA as a way to continue that denial. I am not happy with my health right now, and that has to change on multiple fronts: the way I see myself and how I take care of myself. I hate how much I've lied to myself and others about this.

So where does that leave me? Well, I'm more aware today, and I hope to maintain that awareness. That includes admitting that I haven't been feeling at that great. I've been even more tired lately, if that's even possible. I'm not blaming this on my weight necessarily, but I'm going to address the fatigue, since I made an appointment with my doctor and am going for a thyroid test later today. It is quite possible that my actual weight has nothing to do with, but then again, maybe it does. It may have much more to do with the fact that I'm eating quite a bit of sugar and fat. I know that's not good for my health, no matter how I justify it as intuitive eating (sorry IE). I seriously doubt it's intuitive eating - it's much more likely emotional eating, my main vice, my chosen coping mechanism for stress, fatigue, etc.

There are also health issues that are closely linked to my weight: acid reflux, and knee and foot pain. Of course there is also the feeling of being this heavy, the physical feeling of being this weight, lugging it up stairs, hauling it around with me. This is uncomfortable for me. I can only ever speak for me and how I feel. I've been so impressed with women that I've read about in the FA movement, that I've forgotten that it's okay for me to have my own ideas and opinion about what's best for me. I would like to lose some mass to feel more comfortable, to lighten the load a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And of course, just as important is loving my body. That is a tough one, and it always has been. I am continually apologizing to my body for being so unloving. I once read about someone who "loved their weight off." This women lost weight by loving herself enough to eat healthier and take better care of herself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything drastic to lose weight, and for that to be my only focus. I am saying that if I truly adopt a healthier approach, I believe that I will become healthier, and likely lighter. And if I don't lose any weight, but feel healthier and better, then that's fine. Although I have some serious doubts about that happening, since I don't think this is my happy weight. (I define happy weight as the weight your body goes do when you're living healthy and loving yourself. Mine is not 300. I suspect it is somewhere between 210-230.)

Knowing

I am in a bit of a body-hating cycle right now, I am sad to admit. I was flying pretty high on the FA premise, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, pardon the overused pun. Now I'm feeling pretty low about my body and my weight, so I'm going to try to find some good FA/self-acceptance literature to change my perspective.

There is such a difference between learning about something and graduating to 'knowing' it on a deeper level. But even though I realize that it will take some time to really live FA, I am frustrated none the less. I even found myself counting calories this week! Egad! The truth is that I have be careful not to use FA as an excuse for overeating and being unaccountable about my health. I am a devious creature, and if I can find a reason to eat junk food more often, I usually will. But I have to remember that FA is about acceptance of self and others, no matter what appearances may be. It's not about giving myself permission to give up on living a healthy lifestyle and not taking care of myself.

On the good side, it is Friday of a long weekend. I have some fun plans, and some relaxation planned. Hopefully I can find some clarity and peace.

The Facts

Yes to FA. Yes to health. And yes to losing some weight. There seems to be mixed opinions on losing weight while subscribing to the Fat Acceptance ideology. I have decided that for me, I need to lose some weight for health reasons. And it is through loving and accepting my body as worthwhile that I am going to achieve this. So I'm putting up my stats chart again, and I'm going to weigh in once a month, like previously. I want to get down 10 pounds and see how I feel. Then I'll go from there. Although I suspect that I'll want to get lighter still. This is a personal decision that I am making for my own reasons. I am not implying that anyone else should need to lose weight.

Here's my September 1 prize, a new pair of Dansko clogs:



I can't wait to get them! I hope they fit!

Another Monday

I am still so up in the air about work that I can't seem to concentrate very well. I am frustrated that my boss left for a few reasons. First, he was such a good boss. Second, when he left I sort of thought, "I wish I was leaving." But then it comes back to bad timing, since I should really wait for the regrade to come through. So I'm waiting, but I'm certainly not happy that I'm waiting.

I've had this restlessness before in other jobs. When I left the computer place, I realized I should have done it much sooner. But then I left in a rush and took a job that I shouldn't have. When I left that job, I came here, which was a pretty good decision. This time I don't want to rush, I want to be sure that I'm making the right decision, and that I'm heading in the right direction. It's just so difficult when I don't know what I really want to do.

On the health/body front, I'm feeling a bit down. My pants are feeling a bit tight, and despite my new body acceptance efforts, I find it easy to fall back into old body-hating patterns. I plan on going for a good walk today at lunch to help ease my mind and give my body some much needed exercise. I still want to add in resistance training, but I've been lazy in not wanting to go to the gym during the nice weather, or because I want to read my book, or "insert-lame-excuse-here." I'm still walking the line in between true self acceptance and the great temptation to start yet another diet.

So it seems that there is plenty on my plate, pardon the pun. On the plus side, only 3 more weeks until I'm on vacation. Hurray!

Still No Energy

I am unhappy to report that I still have little to no energy. Today has been especially trying, and it's only after lunch. I did go for my walk, but I went at a much slower pace today, since I listened to my body and knew that it wasn't a good idea to push it too hard. I feel a bit better since my walk, my headache has subsided.

I wonder how other people manage their fatigue. I think I need to investigate that further.

Some Clarity

I've been struggling for a while now on what my path looks like. I found Fat Acceptance and thought of not changing much at all. Then I was tempted with some crazy diets and weight loss promises. I am beginning to think that I can find a nice balance between FA, health and losing weight. I want to lose at least 10 pounds to see how that feels on my body and my health. There are a few side effects of my weight that I suspect would be better if I was a little bit lighter, like sleeping and foot pain. I realize that I can accept other quite easily, and I fully agree with the components of the FA movement. In addition to that, I know that for me, I need to get healthier and take responsibility for my body. That includes accepting it and cherishing it, and more importantly, taking good care of it through getting enough sleep, exercise and nutritious food. I am not advocating any major restrictions or extreme exercise, because I know for me, it's not worth it.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately about body image, FA and such. I can't believe how much hatred there is, well, maybe I can believe it, but it makes me feel down. This one blog, obviously not of the FA persuasion, talked about how anyone over a size 10 had to be fat, with no exceptions. It just made me really angry at the ignorance and the overall judgement. Of course the comments lambasted the female writer for being such an idiot. I just don't understand why people don't get it: people come in all shapes and sizes. It's hard to compare it to other scenarios, but maybe it would be like lambasting someone for having straight hair, or curly hair, or blue eyes. What I keep coming back to is that no matter what the reason is for a person being fat, it doesn't give anyone the right to mistreat them, ever.

On a side note, I sometimes think of my own fat as a shield. When I was single, it kept the men who were looking for arm candy away. It has always kept friends away that would hate to be seen with a fat woman. So I guess in a strange way it has done some good for me. My husband and friends love me for me, no matter what size I am at. Listening to some women say that fat women cannot be happy makes me angry, but then sort of calm down and realize that its just plain ignorance. I also wonder why these people get so angry at fat people. I wonder if they are made because they are working their asses off and are miserable, so they have to direct that anger somewhere. Sort of like, "Here I am going to gym 7 days a week, eating nothing but coffee and vegetables, fitting into my size 4 clothes. How dare these fat people be happy with their bodies and their lives, AND enjoy food! The gall!!!" That's just a guess of course, but sometimes I definitely pick up on that vibe.

So here I am, on my journey, in hopes of finding the right balance.

Ranting

Maybe ranting is good thing every once in a while. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, but I'm also feeling frustrated about a bunch of things. First, I am getting sucked back into the "must lose weight to have a life" mentality, and I'm not happy about that. Second, I'm feeling impatient about work stuff, not knowing what's happening with my job description and what that is going to mean. Third, I'm worried about money, given the husband's career changeover and what that all means.

After writing that it seems that I have a few reasons to feel yucky. Instead of beating myself up for not feeling that great right now, maybe it would be more beneficial to be more gentle with myself. I hate how I can realize something, like the previous statement that I have told myself time and time again, and then forget it and then fall right back into old patterns. I guess it just takes a while to stick.

More of the Same

I haven't really felt the need to write this last week or so, I'm still feeling pretty tired and depressed. I'm in a hold and wait pattern until I start to feel better. I am walking and eating pretty good. I'm sleeping lots and hoping that soon I'll be back to normal.

I'm Such a Beginner

I want to share a few things that I have realized over the last little while, and that have brought me to this realization: I don't know a whole lot, but I'm going to keep learning. OK, it sounds a bit like an after school special, but I have my reasons. You see, I'm really, REALLY new to the blogging world, and the Fat Acceptance movement and I'm pretty damn green in the feminism realm. I took a Women's Studies Course last summer and LOVED it. It brought into my awareness so many issues that I hadn't really thought through before. Obviously, it just scratched the surface, but it was a start. I'm reading quite a few blogs right now that are awakening my mind to so many amazing ideas, along with making me more aware of my own privilege.

When I first started this blog, I thought of using it as a weight-loss journal. But I'm realizing now that I don't want to go down the route of only focusing on weight. I want to explore my own self-acceptance. I want to move beyond my years of being blinded by my own ignorance. You see, for most of my life I assumed that I was the problem - if I just lost weight and got smaller/thinner/prettier that I would fit in and my life would be great. Now I'm pretty sure that's just bullshit. My appearance is not the problem - the way people are treated based on their appearance is the problem. I want to better understand this and contribute positively to the fat acceptance movement, along with accepting all people no matter what their situation is (i.e. race, religion, disability, sexual preference, etc.). I want to learn about other women's viewpoints, not just women like me, but every voice.

What I'm trying to say is, I think this blog will evolve into something much more than it is now. It is in its infancy, and I hope to create something real here.

I went with some friends and saw Julie & Julia (http://www.julieandjulia.com/) last night. I really enjoyed this movie for several reasons. Both Amy Adams and Meryl Streep were amazing. I loved seeing all the food, it made me hungry and it also inspired me to cook more interesting food. I'm sure I'm not that unusual in that I end up cooking the same things, about 20 or 30 recipes that are just recycled over and over again. But it would be nice to find some more flavourful recipes and be a bit adventurous.

I also appreciated the fact that Meryl Streep (Julia Child) was a somewhat bigger woman who was beautiful and well liked. I get so freaking tired of movies portraying women any bigger than my thumbnail as the fat chicks who don't get their love interest, and is really only in the movie to reinforce the stereotype that all fat people gorge themselves on food and have absolutely no other interests. I suppose in this movie Julia does love to eat, but in this case it is celebrated.

The movie also reminded me of my own love of writing. At one point in the movie, Julie says to her husband, "You aren't a writer until you are published." I have to disagree with that one. Anyone can write, and thus be a writer. And I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of good written works out there that have not been published, but that are amazing none the less. I'm reminded of an interview I did once with a local author who told me, "If you want to be a writer, you have to write." You might be thinking, well duh! But what she went on to explain was that if you wanted to be a writer, you needed to write your ass off, not just when you got your brilliant idea, or when you knew exactly what you were going to write, or when it was convenient. She explained that you needed to write as often as possible, even if it was about nothing. So here I go, writing my self-indulgent blog about my health and my life.

Monday Morning Meh

Here it is, another Monday morning. I am feeling very tired, since neither J nor I slept well, and thus we kept each other awake with our tossing and turning. I wasn't very active this weekend, apart from doing chores going to the dog park for a short walk. But yesterday I did notice a bit of improvement in my mood (keep fingers crossed).

I am still trying to wrap my head around loving my body as is, and losing weight. While I don't want to start counting calories, I'm not sure if I can lose weight without doing that. J keeps saying that I should try to do it all through exercise, but I'm resistant to that mostly because of my need for balance. I don't want to become obsessed with exercise just like I have been obsessed with calories and/or food in the past.

So where does that leave me? I'm not quite sure yet. I'm doing better at listening to my body for hunger and satiety cues. I'm moving more. Still need to get more sleep during the weeknights. I guess I'll just have to wait and see at this point.

Conflicting Forces

Today should be Happy Friday, but instead I'm feeling the doldrums. I am still conflicted with the accepting my body as is vs. the need to get healthier. It is very hard to change old habits, and I mastered body-hatred a long time ago. So far I've found a few examples of women who lost weight and loved themselves, but so often I observe women losing weight through massive restriction and self loathing. How many reality series feature the fat woman who needs to lose weight to make life worth living?

This all ends up coming back to balance and working to create a healthy lifestyle. I'm still recovering from the attempt of reducing my meds, which is taking longer than I though. I am also struggling with digestive problems, supposedly IBS. This isn't making things any easier. I'm still fantasizing about crawling into bed and never coming out.

That's likely enough of a pity party for today, or at least until I have something more inspiring to write.

Old Habits

As they say, "Old habits die hard." This is certainly true for me, especially lately. I weighed myself this morning, after I decided to only weigh in once a month (stayed the same). I was even considering giving up the weighing thing altogether, because the more I read about accepting and loving myself, the more I realize that that is very likely the path to be taken. But like I said, old habits die hard. I've caught myself thinking about losing weight, and get this, going on a diet. When I first started reading about the anti-diet movement, I thought, "Holy crap, how awesome would that be to never diet again! The freedom!" And now I'm scared to death to let go of those old behaviors that caused me so much anxiety and unhappiness.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I tried reducing my antidepressant medication and it has not gone well at all. I am really struggling right now, and so perhaps this is not the best time to be expecting too much. I mean, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, never mind feel hopeful about changing the way I think about myself. But thankfully, that loving inner voice is still somewhere in here, whispering, "It's OK. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself right now." In the past, I would have never let that voice come on through, so I see that this as progress.

J is going to gym a lot right now, and I'm barely making it through the day. Granted, I am getting 4 or 5 days of cardio in each week, either walking at lunch or going to the dog park. But my old insecurities reared their ugly head when I began to feel like he was leaving me behind. He was going to become this muscle-bound gym guy who spent every waking hour swimming or lifting weights. Everyone would wonder why he was married to someone so overweight and obviously less fit. Talk about a little pity party!! I mentioned this to him and he replied, "This isn't about you. I need to do this for me." Yes, my ego was hurt for a brief moment, and then I realized that he is right, and that there is no need for me to freak out.

My general fatigue and exhaustion lately is not helping things. J seems convinced that he needs to really encourage me to push harder in my exercise routine. Maybe it's that I'm struggling right now, but it makes mad. I mean for god's sake, I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I make it to work, I go for a walk at lunch that is pretty good in terms of speed and effort, and then when I finally make it home at night I still make dinner and stuff. I just don't have anything left after that! Seriously, I can't imagine going to the gym after a full day - that's just not where I am right now! I think that part of listening to my body and loving myself is to accept this and NOT beat myself over it. This too shall pass . . . I think.

I guess it's hard for him to understand my fatigue - fair enough. He's a pretty energetic person, only needing 6 or 7 hours sleep a night, while I could do 10 or more every night. He can go all day long and still work out at night. But we're comparing apples and oranges. He doesn't know what it feels like to be here inside my body, and vice versa. So really, we just need to accept each other's situation and be supportive. At some point I might need a bit of a push to move beyond what I'm doing, but that push is misplaced if its used right now.

Ho Hum

I just got back from my walk and once again, I'm wondering why I'm so tired. I always hear people talk about how great they feel after working out. Not me, so siree. I have a snack about an hour before my walk to make sure there's enough fuel in the tank, and then I eat lunch when I get back from my walk. Yet everytime I get the exercise low, and I've got to tell you, it's not exactly the motivator I'm looking for! I would really love to feel better. Perhaps more research is required . . .

Past Present and Future

I have spent a lot of time mulling over the past, especially when it comes to thinking about weight loss. I can look at a picture and tell you how much I most likely weighed the time, and no matter what that weight was, I still thought I was fat. Of course I look back now and think, "Damn, I looked good!" But that moment has passed and I see where I am now and get a bit pissed with myself for not seeing my beauty back then. Then I slowly realize that the only way to break this pattern is to stop beating the crap out of myself now, in the present. So instead of nurturing my self-made 'hate-on,' I've got to nurture self-love, no matter how self-help-cliche that sounds. My beauty is not defined only by my appearance, and I certainly don't see others only as their outer shell. So why should I spend all of my energy only worrying about that aspect of myself?! Well, that's pretty obvious to me at this moment, but I'm sure I'll rehash this again and again until it becomes a habit.

My weekend did not go as planned. I was sick for most of the weekend with stomach/digestion issues, as yet truly defined by the medical field. I realized that I'm sick a lot, with either tummy issues, or headaches, or paralyzing fatigue - and I have to say, I'm getting pretty damn fed up with it! I missed out on going to the gym, and spending more time with J, all because I was either in bed, or on the toilet. (Too graphic? Well hell, it is my blog, so I suppose I can be as graphic as I like ;-) Anyhow, this got me to thinking about how much time I spend feeling sick, and thus, how much I miss out on. I think I need to investigate further - since a good friend who recently discovered she has celiac disease told me, "Feeling sick was the norm. It wasn't until I felt better that I realized how awful I had felt for so long." HOLY CRAP! I would love to feel better! I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome a few years ago, but I never really figured out what to eat and what to avoid. In my defense, that seems to change on a daily basis, some days I can have dairy, and some days it makes me sick. The same is true for meat, fried food, etc. I admit, I'm a bit lazy when it comes to this, because it usually passes, and when I'm feeling fine I don't feel like analyzing what I'm ingesting. But as I write this, I suspect that a detailed food journal is in order, to record all the messy details about my food reactions, so that I can come up with some sort of recovery plan. Because this is getting RIDICULOUS!

So while this blog originally began in my mind as a 'weight-loss' blog, it has really morphed into something so much more hopeful. As I mentioned before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life obsessing/regretting/hating/etc about my weight. I want to love myself, take good care of myself and live my life to the fullest (cue angels singing uplifting chorus!)

Withdrawal vs. Depression

I was thinking about the medication withdrawal thing and I remembered what my doc said, "Withdrawal symptoms mimic depression, but it's actually your body going through withdrawal, not depression itself." When he first said this to me in his convincing way, I thought, "OK, I can deal with that. It's not depression, it's just withdrawal."

Several weeks later it hit me: WHAT THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE!? IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK, QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S PROBABLY A DAMN DUCK!!! As I'm reeling from 'withdrawal' symptoms, that feel EXACTLY like depression, I realized that it really doesn't fucking matter if it's withdrawal or depression, I still feel like absolute hell! So, as I've readjusted my meds to their original level, I'm waiting for things to stabilize. I'm also waiting to tell my doc how ridiculous his argument is, and that I'm not doing this again, if ever.

Just like J says, if it's working, don't mess with it. Of course, him being the wiser of the two of us, at least most of the time, he was not too keen on the idea of me changing my meds. Damn, why does he have to be right all the time! Lesson learned - I am still a grasshopper.

Weigh In Day

Well, it's August 1, and that means weigh-in day. I'm officially 295 - a 1.6 pound loss since mid-July. I'm happy with this, especially since I'm working at letting go of the scale obsession, which is why I'm planning to only weigh-in once a month.

It's hard letting go of old habits though. I am reading "The Amazing Adventures of Dietgirl," which is a great book by the way, and she uses Weight Watchers for her first 100 pound loss. I couldn't help but think, "Oh, maybe I should join WW!" But then I remember why that doesn't work for me, it encourages my obsessive behavior and makes me miserable and unhappy. This just comes back to "different strokes for different folks." I truly believe that each person is unique and thus, needs to design their own system that works for them.

Last night I had a solo movie night, and it was fun. I sort of expected myself to have some snacks (chocolate, chips) since I had bought some at the grocery store for that reason. But even though I preplanned this, giving myself that permission sort of changed the dynamic. I ended having a little bit of chocolate, macaroons, to be exact. I didn't have anything else, once again, having the permission and removing the 'good' and 'bad' food labels seems to be working for me. Who would have thunkit?

I took the dogs to the dog park yesterday. They have this great trail in the trees that has moderate terrain, which makes it a great walking workout, and of course, the dogs adore going there. We had a great walk together, and I felt like it was a good workout. The nice thing is how soft the trail is, which is a bit easier on the feet.

I'm on day 2 of a 4-day weekend. I think we're heading to the gym today to do some weights. I'm a little anxious, as I always am, when doing something new that involves groups of people, and potential judgement. Then I remember that everyone there is pretty much only worrying about themselves, in fact, many of them way be worrying just like I am, which gives them little time to judge me. The ego on me! Ha, like anyone is even going to care what I'm wearing/sweating/squatting. Plus I'm going with J, and it makes me a bit more relaxed with him there, working out with me. I even bought some new weight lifting gloves. He laughed at me saying, "Are you really going to be lifting that much weight that you need gloves?" I gave him 'the look' and explained that even if I'm only lifting 10 pound barbells at this point, it's nice to have that extra grip and not turns my hands into callused pieces of flesh. Let them laugh, I'm making muscles!

Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This . . .

That song just popped into my head as I was about to start this post, and it seems quite appropriate. A few weeks ago my doctor suggested that I try reducing my dose of Celexa, since it has been a few years since we tried last, and I was feeling pretty good. I had visions of coming off them completely, and magically feeling great, despite my history of serious withdrawl symptoms. Well, I barely made it 2 weeks into reducing my dosage, and only by 10mg, and I could no longer handle the withdrawl symptoms. I immediately began to feel like a failure, when my darling husband reminded me that this is not a personal failure, in fact, it isn't a failure at all. Period. I have to admit that without his reminders, I would be much, much harder on myself. What a gem!

More on Acceptance

I just read this awesome post about fat acceptance and this made a HUGE light go on for me. Check this out: http://kateharding.net/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/. So far I am learning a lot with several sites, including: http://watrd.wordpress.com/.

A few posts ago I said that I was more comfortable with the size acceptance thing instead of the fat acceptance thing for me personally. I would like to revise my opinion. With some reading I realize that I am both, in that I passionately agree that everyone should be treated with dignity regardless of weight, height, skin color, sex, sexuality, disability, religion, etc. I agree with Kate's post as linked above, and I understand that I can be healthy and be on board with the fat acceptance movement. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I find it funny though, that as I learn more about accepting my body and loving myself as is, I become less and less motivated to make myself thin. Perhaps I am starting to see the bigger picture, perhaps there is a bigger light coming on within me. Maybe, just maybe, I can take good care of myself, become fitter and more toned and not remain obsessed with the scale, the measurements, the number of calories, etc. My husband keeps telling me this - why is it that someone we live with or are very close to can tell us something for years, and I truly mean years, and it isn't until we read it or hear it from somewhere else, that we actually begin to believe that it might have some merit? I can't count how many times J and I have had the exact same conversation, where he encourages me to get healthier, that I shouldn't care about all those pesky numbers, and that I should pay attention to how I'm feeling. He tells me I'm great just the way I am, and that he hopes we can do more physical activities together, like hiking in the mountains. This is not an unreasonable request (he's not talking Mount Everest people, but a 1-3 hours hike in moderation).

I'm excited about these possibilities. I have hope. Last week I was overwhelmed with the numbers and forcing myself to change, trying to ignore the hunger, and now I'm thinking that there is another way. I just need to open my mind and see the possibilities.

Mondays

Not so long ago, Monday's signified that 'restart.' You know, there aren't that many diets that start on Fridays, or Wednesdays, etc. But as I've mentioned, there is no restarting for me now, I want to treat my health focus as an ongoing journey, one that does not get to stop and start, because really, it doesn't.

The weekend was pretty good, although I spent a bit too much time in the sun on Saturday and felt ill for the rest of the day. This meant that I missed working out, and skipped a few meals. But by Sunday I was feeling better, but still didn't have an official workout. I got sucked into a good book yesterday, and didn't finish it until 10 pm last night. I love finding a good book to read, but I get a bit to 'involved' with it and have trouble putting it down.

Speaking of books, I got my 1st month prize in the mail on Friday. I have been reading this blog (http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/) and decided to buy her book. I think it will be enjoyable and inspiring. What I like about Shauna's site is that it's honest, clever and real. I can also really relate because our stats are similar: same height, close starting weight, close goal weight. I can only hope to be as successful as she is.



I'll keep you posted on the prizes and progress, hopefully more good things to come!

Intuitive Eating

I stumbled across some information on intuitive eating: http://www.intuitiveeating.org/ and I find it quite fascinating. From my limited understanding, it is a non-dieting approach to eating, which involves listening to your body's internal cues to decide when, what and how much to eat.

What I really like about this approach is that for me, it would mean that I wouldn't have to obsess about counting calories, fat grams, etc. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that a few months ago I was very unfocused on what I was eating, in fact I gave myself permission to eat whatever/whenever I wanted. My weight stabilized, which really surprised me. What was also surprising was that the more permission I gave myself, the less I actually wanted unhealthier foods. When I gave myself permission to eat as much chocolate as I wanted, I had it once a week, or twice a week in smaller portions. Knowing that I could have it at any time took away my usual tendency to want to binge on it, because I would normally tell myself, "I'll have this now and then get back on track." It was almost as if I had to make it worth my while if I was going to 'cheat.'

It's not totally clear to me how this is all going to fit into my goals of getting healthy and losing weight. I have some internal conflict over giving up 'counting' and relying on my body to regulate my eating. What if I don't lose any weight? Or, gasp, what if I actually gain more weight? I'm afraid of giving up that control, despite the fact that I so often lose the control, beat myself up, and then start the control process all over again.

I found the intuitive eating information this morning, just in time, since a group of us were going out to a food festival at lunch. I was worrying about what I was going to eat that would be healthy/low-fat, etc. Once I read a bit of that site, I relaxed and felt much happier thinking about how maybe I could still reach my goal of health without the anxiety and stress involved with tracking everything. We went for lunch and I just picked what I wanted, instead of worrying or obsessing about it. I enjoyed myself!

The jury is still out, but I'm giving this some serious consideration. I've also been reading some information on the fat acceptance movement, and the size acceptance movement. I'm not really that informed in these areas, but I think for me, I tend to learn towards the size acceptance movement, for my situation. I know that I'm not super healthy where I am and that needs to change, but at the same time, I am very tired of beating myself up for being fat. So I'm trying to understand how to love and appreciate my body, and work at changing it. In some ways that is really the key: when I decide that my body is precious and a valuable part of my being, I can see that it deserves to be well taken care of with good food, exercise, adequate rest, and play. Loving my body does not really align with eating way too much, or neglecting to get any exercise for months at a time. The impression I get with the fat acceptance movement, is that it would advocate accepting where I am at the moment, and not necessarily trying to change it. That's just not working for me - even if I get why other people would do it. I come back to everyone being different and needing different approaches.

Struggles Ahead

This is harder than I thought it was going to be. Last night I sort of decided that I need to have a better appreciation for my body, instead of having such a big hate-on for it. It's my fault that I'm obese and out of shape. My body has just reacted to its environment, and done it's best to function. That may sound a bit loopy, but it just makes sense to me.

I'm finding it hard to resist eating at night, when I'm watching TV. I work all day, go for my walk at lunch, come home and make dinner, feed and play with the dogs, and then I usually take an hour or two to decompress in front of the tube. Then the need to eat strikes. Last night I managed to get by with water, since I'm pretty sure I wasn't actually hungry. The night prior I had some chips. Luckily we're almost out of junkie type foods at home, and I'm doing my best not to replenish them. J's good in that way, he's cool with me not bringing home junk food.

I'm tracking my intake on fitday and I see that I'm still consuming too much fat overall. My goal for today is to reach 30% or less in fat. And perhaps to aim for 2200 calories instead of 2400. I'm going to be having a lunch tomorrow that will likely but me over the top, so I'm preparing for it.

I'm also trying to rid myself of my celebrity gossip addiction. It's a guilty sort of pleasure, and with all the free online sites, it's way too easy to access. J calls it 'porn.' Humph.

Small Succuess is Still Success

It's hard not to weigh myself all the time! I planned on weighing in once a month, but I found myself on the scale this morning checking to see "if I'm on track." I'm down 0.6 pounds since one week ago, granted I weighed myself after I ate breakfast and drank a some water. So I'm estimating that I'm down a bit more than that. Regardless, I'm happy with the little win.

The battle continues: I'm taking a rest day today because my plantar's is acting up, and my knees are sore. So a rest day it is, although I did take a little stroll just a few minutes ago to loosen up. I'm hoping to get in some stretching tonight.

I was pretty hungry this morning, which is not fun. I know that I may need to be a little bit hungry now and then, but not super hungry, as self-control is hard to come by in those situations. So I went and got some turkey noodle soup to supplement the sandwich that I brought for lunch. Hopefully this balancing act will get easier over time.

Diets Suck

Like many women, I have tried (and failed) many, many diets, and with each one I had a similar problem: not enough calories. So many diets subscribe to the "one size fits all" approach when they advise a 300-pound woman to eat the same number of calories as a 150-pound woman. Years ago I thought, "Shouldn't the heavier person eat less since they have more to lose?" But now I know that our bodies burn more calories when they are heavier, particularly when there is more muscle mass.

The other fallacy that some diets promote is eliminating entire food groups, or completely eliminating 'treats.' Yes, I realize that eating junk food 3 times a day is a bad idea. But never allowing yourself to eat chocolate again is ridiculous. I know for me personally, the moment that I promise myself, "No more junk food at all," that that is the only thing I crave from then on in. I may be able to do it for a week or so, but then I end up bingeing on chocolate, chips, fries, etc. However, the times when I've done the opposite and said to myself, "You can eat whatever you want," I eat much less junk. (Obviously I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet, or I wouldn't be near 300 pounds.)

So where is the middle ground? What I've seen again and again is that different approaches work for different people, and the key is figuring out what works for me. I'm following the Canada Food Guide with some modification (since they don't factor in current weight), and I'm using fitday.com to track my caloric intake, aiming to eat around 2200-2400 calories per day. According to fitday, I'm burning approximately 2900 calories a day before doing any exercise, so I'm taking off approximately 500-700 calories/day to aim for a loss of 1 – 1.25 pounds per week. I'm also allowing myself a treat a day, or less, depending on cravings and overall fat intake. I'm aiming for 30% or less of fat, 50% carbs, and 20% protein.

I'm also adding in resistance training this week, following the women's Body for Life method. More details to follow.

Do I have all the answers? No, of course not. But I'm doing my best with what I know at this time.

Lots to Ponder

I am just remembering the importance of being positive and taking care of all of me. Yes, I need to change my habits, yes, I need to lose a ton of weight, and I also need to speak kindly to myself, have patience and be good to myself. I always seem to forget pieces of the puzzle, because I get too focused on the scale, or a rest day, or some other insignificant detail.

I'm sifting through the book "Thin for Life" and it has a lot of good gems in it. One of the things it mentions is that you should live your life right now, and not put things on hold until you lose weight. I do this all the time! I think, "I'll buy a new winter jacket when I lose all my weight," or "I'll feel beautiful when I lose some weight," or "I'll take up belly dancing when I'm thinner." But my life is passing me by right now, so I need to live it right now! I spent the weekend hibernating/sleeping, and sort of avoiding living. I don't want to waste anymore time, I want to enjoy life right now.

Happy Friday

It's been approximately one week since I've been 'back in the game.' But this time there won't be any end, even if there are a few blips along the way. Last night when I went to pick up A&W I made a good choice. Even though I had a coupon for 2 teen burger combos, I instead got the grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad with a diet root beer. This is a small victory for me, and thus worth noting.

I went through a bunch of pictures last night at home for some inspiration, and I found quite a few. I've just got to keep my eyes on the prize.

Arg!

OK, sorry about the previous post being sort of wonky in it's layout, but that's as good as it's going to get for now. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I post the Oct 1 pics.

I am taking today as a rest day, so I'll just do some stretching and a light walk around my work building. Then back in the saddle tomorrow.

I am always anxious when I restart my healthy approach, because I fear that it will be like every other time that I have 'tried' and then subsequently 'failed.' This in itself is it's own issue, because from now on there will be no beginning and no end. This is a change to a healthy lifestyle, so I need to stop thinking about its edges. I need to do this continually, and with vigour. I look at my 'before' pics and I tense, because I think of the magnitude of what I need to do.

But when I really look at it, and think back to articles I've read, I remember that it didn't take me a few days to get here, and it sure as hell isn't going to take a few days to get back to a healthy physique. It took me approximately 14 years to gain all this weight, so if it takes me a few years to take it off I'm doing good.

Another lie I have told myself in the past when I make a mistake, is that I'll start over tomorrow/Monday/later/etc. This time, I am correcting immediately, the very next change I get. This can't be a 'diet' that I stick to for a little while and then bail on. It has to be so much more than that.

"Before" Pics

I would much rather call them 'before' pics than current pics. But they are what they are. This post and my measurement post help with accountability and reality. I plan on taking measurements, body fat and pics every 12 weeks to note progress.

Seeing this front pic is tough. I can't believe how big my middle area is compared to the rest of me. My legs look so short, even though I think they are pretty average for my height (5 foot 8). And I always thought my chest was bigger than my belly, which is clearly not the case.

Like the front view, this is also tough to see. I might look short because of the way the pic was taken, from a much taller person. Oh denial, I look for any excuse to explain what I see.

Ah yes, the side profile, quite painful. Aside from what I noticed above, I can't help but think how small my feet look. I'd noticed this about other heavier women before and I just assumed they had small feet. But I wear size 10.5, so my feet are plenty big.

In light of the pics shown here, there are several 'lights' that come to mind. I will be pleased with my progress when my stomach does not precede me when I enter a room, when I am more in proportion and no body part really defines me. Yes, I know that my tummy shouldn't define me, but it really affects how I see myself. And besides, clearly there is a lot of work to be done here. A lot.

'Before' Measurements

Here are my 'before' measurements (ouch) with my current weight being 296.6:
Good god my girth astounds me! These are some tough numbers to look at.

I'm 5 foot 8 inches. Ugh.

• Weight: 296.6 pounds
  
• Body fat: 51.3%
• Neck: 17 in
• Chest: 54.5 in
• Waist: 48 in (smallest point)
• Low waist: 51.5 in (at belly button)
• Hips: 57.5 in
• Thigh: 32.25 in
• Calf: 19 in
• Wrist: 7 in
• Ankle: 10.5 in

Teeny Victory

I said no to cake. Free cake. This is a small victory for today.

As for yesterday, I went to dinner with a girlfriend and I didn't have dessert. Then we went to a movie, and all I had was water. This also counts as a small victory on the health front. I am hoping that each small victory can propel me to make more good choices in the future.

We also went shopping in Old Navy and I fit into some gear there, albeit in the XXL size. But still, it was kind of exciting. That is one of the things I am really looking forward to, is having more clothing options, instead of just the plus size stores. I love A&E, but I'm almost too big to shop there, there tops barely fit, and the bottoms are hit and miss, and this is even since they added size 26 to their selection. The jeans I have on today are a size 26 and the waist is pretty snug. Ugh!

A few days ago J commented that my blog is pretty negative, in that I focus on negative things. I was sort of annoyed by that comment for a few reasons. First, I am blogging the reality of my health right now, and it just so happens that it's a bit of a downer. That will likely change over time. Second, I assumed that my blog is my business, and it's sort of like my journal, so when I'm feeling negative, it'll reflect that. I'm new the world of blogging, although I've had a journal since I was 12. I've made this blog public, although I seriously doubt anyone will read it other than my friends, and I don't even expect them to really follow it. It's more for me to rant and rave and hopefully make some serious progress.

I read a few other weight loss blogs, for lack of a better term, and I find them very inspiring. But I don't expect mine to be particularly inspiring until some progress is made. So we'll see. I'm here to track my success and failures and to get it all out onto the screen so that it doesn't stay locked in my worrying mind.

Changing is Hard

Changing habits is a hard thing to do. I had a small success on the weekend: I was watching tv and J was outside with the pooches. I thought, "I need chocolate, I am going to have some while he's outside and can't see me." I got up to go to the kitchen and on the way there I realized that not only did I not need the chocolate, it wasn't actually something I really wanted, but I also needed to stop the thought pattern that accompanies this. I can't always have all the sweets I want, as those habits are what got me to almost 300 pounds in the first place. So change is in the air.

I have sort of become anti-diet. Every single time I've 'dieted' I end up losing a little bit of weight and then gaining it back and then some. In the last year, I quit dieting and my weight finally stabilized. So my approach this time is moderation and slow weight loss. I am focusing on eating healthy, which I will go into more detail on later, and exercising at least 30 minutes everyday. Right now that is walking at lunch, but I will add in resistance training in a few weeks, once I'm back into the groove.

The Canada Food Guide has a pretty good layout for healthy eating (http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index-eng.php). I am taking a lot from there, trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, lean protein and complex carbohydrates. I'm also hoping to implement a intuitive eating approach that means listening to your body for hunger cues, eating when hungry, not eating when full. That seems sort of obvious to a lot of people, but for me, I get used to eating on a schedule, and I often eat because it's there, or I'm stressed, etc.

This is a new beginning for me. I hope to add links to useful sites that I find along the way. A blog that I found recently is very inspiring for me, in terms of goals, and in terms of my own blog. Check it out at: http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/. In my own defense of just saying that I am anti-dieting, this blog is not a traditional diet site, but a very inspiring story about a woman who lost half her weight, slowly and sensibly.

Sleeping Fatty

The truth can really, really hurt sometimes. Sort of like right now, as I remember once again what lies before me, and what I really need to do. There is no denying that I have to lose weight, probably at least 75 pounds. And while I don't want to obsess over the scale, it will no doubt have to decrease.

So in light of this truth, I am setting the following long-term goals:
1. Lose at least 75 pounds
2. Exercise at least 5 times per week
3. Eat healthy by reducing the amount of junk food, eating more fruits and vegetables
4. Taking care of my body and appreciating it

Immediate goals:
1. Lose 5 pounds (reach 291.6)
2. Go to the gym at least 2 times per week for strength training
3. Walk at least 3 times per week

In finishing my degree, I realized that I can meet goals that I set for myself, even if it takes some time. Also, I have much more time now that I'm done, so this will be my next big project, pardon the painfully obvious pun.

Almost Done

I am exactly five days away from scholastic freedom! I will be finishing my degree as of next Wednesday and I am incredibly excited and relieved. Getting my degree was a goal that I set a few years ago, and I am finally reaching that goal. This goal was to confirm that I CAN in fact finish what I start and that I can meet goals.

This leads me to ponder what my next main goal with be, which of course, is to get healthy and fit. I am a bit overwhelmed with all the noise out there on losing weight and dieting. There is just too much information, especially since so much of it is actually unhealthy and nonsense.

I stopped weighing myself for the last month or more, and it is has been very liberating. While I haven't been as active this semester, I fully intend on re-engaging in my master plan after next Wed. I've found a few other blogs that look quite inspiring, that I plan on reading more fully.

That's Better

I was planning on going away this weekend with J and our friends. The closer the weekend got, the more stressed out I became, realizing that I wasn't as prepared for my midterm as I needed to be. Finally, I decided not to go, and now I feel much better. I don't even remember the last time I felt this stressed out, on the verge of tears. Normally I am better at monitoring my stress levels, but this last semester, being my last one for my degree, has just been heavier than expected.

I am officially half-way through my summer semester. I only have 3 weeks of classes and then my finals to go. I am so looking forward to being done and being able to relax and unwind for a while.

Bottled Up Too Long

So as per my usual tendencies, I have been pretty stressed up lately, and hence, have been avoiding writing, despite the fact that writing is the best way to release. I am here now, so I suppose I'm doing something about it.

I'm almost halfway through my last semester to complete my degree, and while I assumed that I would be floating on air during this time, I am actually dragging so low that I don't think I've ever felt this 'down' when something good is on the horizon. I don't think it's anything to worry about, I am just really tired and in need of a break. But it just so happens that said break won't occur for another 4 weeks. To cope with all this, I've been eating too much junk, and thus feeling a bit blah. I've cut back on my workouts because of sheer time constraints, but I am still managing to walk at least 4-6 times per week, albeit at a more leisurely pace. I refuse to 'overdo' it by creating a pressurized environment where I need to work out hard 7 days a week on top of working full-time and going to class 14 hours a week, plus all the homework and chores. No wonder I feel like shit!

It suddenly hit me today when I was once again mulling over how to feel better about this all - hello, you need to vent through writing. "Get it out!" my inner voice demanded! And how right it is, as I'm feeling a bit better already. I am reminded about a few things that I need to keep in the front of my mind, so as to put things in perspective:

• I have already successfully completed 18 classes, in addition to my previous diploma and 2 other years of post-secondary. Why on earth should I worry about my success of these last 2 classes?
• I can increase or decrease the stress level, based on what I focus on and how I balance the other things in my life. Hmmmm, the obvious choice seems so simple when I look at it this . . .
• I ONLY have 4 weeks to go, which includes writing my final exams. Then all done!
• After I'm done my degree, I can take a very much deserved break for a while, and collect myself, get back on track with my other goals, such as fitness.
• I deserve to take care of myself - I am worth it. Hey, I think Revlon took stole my line.

Now I can see that I will get through it. Perhaps I should relish these last 4 weeks, and observe. Especially since I don't know if I'll ever go back again.

Remember the Good Things

It is very easy to get caught up in the bad things. You know, those crude and rude comments that people say, or how you're made to feel less than beautiful.

Well, I'd like to make more of an effort to remember the good stuff, not just the blessings in my life, but the nice things that people say.

After not going to see my chiropractor for more than a year, I made it back last week. In catching up I made a comment about being more active, and then I back handed it by saying, "Although it's not like I've lost any weight." She replied, "I think you have lost weight. You look leaner and more toned." The moral of this little story is two-fold. One, I need to stop talking bad about myself, especially my body and the progress I've made. Two, I have made improvements and changes, even if they are hard to detect on a daily basis. So hurray for small gains, or losses as it were.

The Truth Hurts

Sometimes I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round, with all my flipping and flopping in my approach to my body and health. For a week or more, I got really obsessed with my appearance, i.e. more so than usual. I was beginning to fall prey to the "I must be thinner to look good," instead of seeing the other reasons for losing weight.

There is a school of thought in the non-diet world that advocates not counting calories, and listening to your body. They say that your body will naturally go to its happy weight and that obsessing over calories just makes things worse. I agree to a certain degree with this philosophy, but not as much when it comes to me personally. For example, in the last 5 weeks, I've lost and then re-gained about 5 pounds. I did the, "I can eat whatever I want, I'm listening to my body." So in a way, I wasn't really true to their ideology, because I used this theory to give myself permission to overeat and eat less healthy than I should. I'm not sure why I am so adverse to just tracking what I eat and being accountable. It's not like I'm thinking of going on a 1200 calorie a day diet. I've done the research on basal metabolic rate. I know that because I weigh close to the big 3-0-0 that I need more calories than someone half that weight. I know that the amount of fat eaten should be less than 30% of my total intake. I know that I need to eat more veggies and fruits, and less fat. Especially since time and time again, I've proven to myself that too much fat, especially milk-fat, makes me sick.

I realize that regardless of how badly I want to look better, I REALLY want to feel better. I notice that I feel heavy, and that the extra weight makes me feel ugh. So it's not like I have to discount wanting to look good, but that can't be my best reason. My health and how I feel in my body, is vital. Looks fade with age and stress, but my body can feel good for a very long time if I take good care of it.

So after all this, what does this mean on a go-forward basis? It means that I'm going to start using fitday.com again to track my intake. It helps keep my a bit more accountable, and it helps me to be honest with myself. It's easy to go a week and weigh-in heavier and say, "well, it must be the sodium, or my period." It's another thing to be able to say, I ate within my target calories, likely 2200-2400, and I'm still losing at a healthy rate.

Let's stop the BS and get to work. Because I know, and I've always know that this is not my happy weight. It's not even close.

Easy to Forget

It seems to be very easy to forget about the overall picture on this journey. This isn't a drastic weight-loss story, it encompasses more than just my weight. It is so easy to get caught up in the numbers, and the numbers don't tell the whole story. So just a little reminder to myself that while the numbers will change, it will take time, and it's not just the numbers that matter. How does my body feel? Am I getting enough rest? Am I having enough fun? Making time for meditation? How fit am I? All of these questions are important for me to consider.

I am toying with tracking my food intake, but every time I do that I become obsessed with food, which I don't want to do anymore. I want to eat healthier, exercise and enjoy my body. Not obsess over calories and fat grams, etc.

Set Backs

Monday's weigh in was up, way up: 296.6. I can't quit figure out what's going on yet. I'm incredibly frustrated though. Maybe I do need to be more careful with consumption. Hmmm. Of course, J being the "wise" one, reminded me that muscle weighs more than fat, and that with the weight training that I might be putting on some muscle. I guess I'll keep that in mind.

I am taking a lactose intolerance test this morning, which means just some skim milk for breakfast and then nothing for 3 - 5 hours, including my usual morning coffee. So far all I feel is sleepy. I would like to know what is causing all these digestive issues - I won't go into details - I just know that things are not normal. I'd like to feel good again.

I also ran into a wall yesterday on my walk due to shin pain. So now I'm trying to figure out why and fix it. It could be from my shoes, my orthos, walking on concrete, not enough stretching, or overdoing it. Hmmm, where do I begin? I'm starting with a rest day on cardio. I'll likely still do upper weights tonight, cause hey, that's not going to hurt my shins.

Sweating is Good

I went for my lunch walk, but today I did hills. By the time I got back here, I was breathing hard and my face was flush. That is when I know that I'm pushing it enough, when there is that effort exerted that feels difficult at the time, but feels great once I'm done.

I am really excited about where I'm going on this path. Even though I've only lost 6% of the total, I feel stronger and more energized. The exercise is becoming a habit, and its even something that I'm looking forward to now. I'm sure that there will be days that I'm not so keen, but for now, I'm going to relish this enthusiasm.

Hurray - It's Working!

Mondays are my official weigh-in day, even if I do peek once or twice in between. Today's weight: 293.8!

So I'm down 6.2 pounds since I began a few weeks ago. I have to admit that I am somewhat surprised that this is working, especially since I haven't really changed my eating: I'm still having chocolate on a regular basis. I actually feel like I'm eating more than usual, because I'm listening to my body and eating when it says, "Hey you, I'm hungry." And when I'm not hungry, I don't force myself to eat.

I'm loving the workouts. In fact, today my calves are REALLY sore because I did lower weights yesterday. It feels so good to move! I know that there are other people like me, who used to be fit, but sort of lost it over the years. We got used to being lazy and sedentary and enjoyed it. Before, the thought of having to exercise would make me grimace. Now, I'm pleasantly surprised by how good it feels to lift weights, to push myself in my cardiovascular activities, and lets not forget stretching (which is still a growth area for me).

So it really feels like a new day has begun, so to speak. The old, lazier me is being displaced by the new energetic, more active me. Goodbye old me, hello new me!

Muscles are Good

I didn't work out yesterday, since I had this awful headache all day. I left work early, came home to bed and did nothing. So today I felt a little sluggish, but I got back on track by taking the dogs for a walk and then later on, I did biceps, triceps and shoulders. I am starting to feel stronger, noticing that it feels pretty good to remember my muscles. Nice.

Will I Ever Learn?!

I am a very, VERY, slow learner. Yesterday, I went out for lunch with two work friends and we went to Earl's. I had good intentions going in, because I knew that I was also going out for supper to the Keg. Knowing that the Keg would mean a fairly big meal, I HAD intended to eat a reasonable lunch, maybe a salad. When we got there, we all decided to have appetizers for lunch: calamari, chicken fingers and fries and spinach dip with pita. I thought, "Hmmm, this will be fine. I'll just a bit of everything and not overdo it." That was ok, I felt pretty good after the appies.

Then we decided to have dessert, at which point my little spidey sense said, "Um, maybe we shouldn't, or maybe just share one with the three of us." Instead, we ordered three desserts, and instead of recognizing that having the equivalent of one giant dessert, made up mostly of ice cream, was a very bad idea - I dove right in and ate a bunch of ice cream. On the plus side, I did have fun at lunch, but my body was very unhappy with me about an hour later.

The moral of this story is that I cannot eat tons of dairy. I've known this for years, that's why I buy Lactaid instead of regular milk. And yet I still manage to do this to myself every once in a while, and every time I swear that I won't do it again.

Lesson: Just because I have given myself permission to eat whatever I want, does not mean that I SHOULD eat whatever I want. I.e. copious amounts of dairy.

To make matters worse, I had too much food at supper and felt ill for the rest of the evening. I didn't want to be rude by not finishing what was on my plate, since we were being 'treated' by our friend's parents. When will I learn?

Image source: http://www.freefoto.com/

Challenges Ahead

Well, it looks like I will be taking two courses in May and June, which means that I will be in class four nights a week from 5 - 8 p.m. This somewhat throws a wrench into my current workout plan, but I think that I can modify it to keep the resistance training and the cardio through the 7 week period. This is just another challenge that I can meet.

I'm pretty excited that I'm almost finally done my degree. This is a goal that I set a few years ago, and it will be officially done by the end of this June. This feels really good. It also means that I will be able to focus more on my fitness and health goals, once I have one less goal on my plate. Granted, as my husband says, "You'll fill up your time just as much with other stuff when you're done school." He is consistenty right about these types of things - as I'm already planning to decorate and paint the house, do some leisure reading, and maybe start writing my novel, in addition to getting into the best shape of my life.

I tend to be happier when I'm busier, even though I consistently deny this and try to have too much down time.

Image source: FreeFoto.com

It's all about the balance, between working hard, playing hard and resting.

Down a Bit More

Well I'm at 295.8, which is about a pound from last week. BUT, I took measurements last night and I'm down a few inches from September 2008. So I'm not as discouraged about the weight thing, if the inches keep coming off. I lost 2 inches off my chest, 1 inch off my waist, and 1.5 inches off my hips. In fact, when I compared my measurements with ones from when I weighed 281, I am actually smaller not, even though I weight 14 pounds more. Of course, that's not to say that I'm not going to lose weight, but I am going to be a bit less obsessed with the scale. I am content indeed!

I dug out a fitness cookbook, but I'm not sure if it's going to fly. J and I are approaching this as modifying activity the most, and eating sensibly, not 100% clean all the time. I'd like to make sure that I have the activity down before I start messing with food. Although I am trying to eat smart, and eat enough of the good stuff so that I don't crave as much of the less good stuff.

A Few Things

It has been a nice long weekend. We had both sets of parents over for a big dinner on Friday, and we all had fun playing Wii bowling and golf. I like that the Wii gives us new entertainment options rather than always playing cards.

We've gone to the gym all weekend, swimming, upper body, and today I went for a walk with my friend B. I used the rowing machine for the first time for a warm-up on our upper body day and that thing is incredible! I assumed that it would be mostly upper body warming, but today by thighs and hips are feeling like they got put through their paces. I also really like our cross-training approach using different exercises and cardio workouts.

Things I would like to do

There are many things that I am looking forward to doing as I lose weight. Some of you may think these are silly, or odd, if you've never been heavy or larger. The reason I thought of this list was because I shaved my legs last night, which I usually avoid, since I barely ever show my legs, and shaving in a pain.

So here's my big ole list, no pun intended:

• wearing dresses without bike shorts


• being able to have the same clothes fit from year to year, instead of the dreaded, "Crap, this fit last spring. Dammit!"


• buying nicer clothes that will last, instead of disposable ones
  
• hiking, basketball, volleyball, walking, jogging, etc. (Image source: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/950697)


• not having to take acid reflux medicine
  
• no more aches and pains (back, neck, knee, feet, etc.)


• sleeping better and not snoring as much
  
• shopping the smaller/smallest sizes in plus size stores - you know you need to get crackin when you can't shop in some plus size sections or stores anymore.


• people noticing that I'm losing weight


• seeing people I haven't seen in a while - you know, you don't see someone for a few years and you gain a bunch of weight during that time, and you know that they know, and you feel self-conscious
  
• keeping up with my husband and friends


• fitting nicely in an airplane seat and being able to easily walk down the aisles and move in the airplane bathroom


• fitting comfortably in all restaurant chairs and booths, not having to worry as I'm approaching the booth and wondering if I'll fit


• not being so tired all the time


• tying my shoes with ease


• shaving my legs


• weighing less than J, who is much taller than I am
  

Spring Time

I am so glad that spring has arrived (knock on wood)! The snow has really been melting and it gives me hope that the warmer weather will stay. Of the many flowers that I love, lilies are a favorite.

Warmer weather means more outdoor activity, like walking the dogs and sitting on the back deck. Being on an acreage is nice for enjoying nature and taking in the fresh air.

And let's not forget barbecue season. My favorite bbq is kabobs, with lots of vegetables, particularly mushrooms. Yummy!

Yesterday I was reflecting on my change in attitude towards food. For many years, I looked at food as "good" or "bad" and during my "good" times I would count calories religiously, only to fall off the wagon and overeat. It seemed that by labelling food in that way, it made me a little crazy about it, and the more I swore off a certain food, like chocolate, the more of it I would eat.

In my new approach, I am taking a bit of a different path. I am not swearing off any food, but instead listening to my body and its needs. I am thinking about food as fuel, a vital component to my well-being, not something to be afraid of. So while I may keep track of my measurements, weight, body fat and activity, I will no longer obsess about calories.

Fatigue

I don't think that it is a coincidence that the word "fat" is the beginning of fatigue. I've made all kinds of excuses as to why I am often tired or exhausted, such as "I'm hypothyroid, I'm just a tired person, I'm just a low-energy person" etc. It has taken me a while to admit that my fatigue could be caused by lugging around more than a 100 extra pounds. Hmmm, seems sort of obvious now. I'm not saying that my thyroid has nothing to do with it, because it may, but honestly, it likely has a lot to do with the excess weight.

So I'm hoping that as I get into better shape, and drop some unhealthy weight, that my energy will increase. I certainly hope so. It's frustrating having to plan things around anticipated energy levels, or lack thereof.

Spring Jacket

I finally bought a new spring jacket from Eddie Bauer. I've been wanting a new spring coat for a few years, but I've been doing the classic, "I'll wait to lose weight." Ironically, I now bought one and I am losing weight. Oh well. Here is the fabulous coat. To check out more colors and sizes, go to: http://www.eddiebauer.com

EB has some really nice plus size clothes. I could really spend a lot of mulla there. The jacket I ordered fits perfectly in the shoulders and bust, but is pretty big everywhere else. Thankfully my mother-in-law is going to take it in for me.

Bathing Suit Trauma

Ok, maybe trauma is a strong word to use when discussing bathing suits, but in this case, I feel that it applies. As I was getting ready to go swimming today, I tried on my modest black one-piece, every plus-size girl's natural choice, to discover that it no longer fit. It was too short, so the top wasn't exactly the kind of cleavage-revealing suit that I wanted to wear, especially when trying to actually swim. So off to Pennington's I went, while J waited in the car. Initially I was kind of excited. You see I've been feeling really good about my body since I've been exercising a lot lately. Things are becoming firmer, and even my jeans that I wore that day, which I hadn't worn because they were too tight, were fitting good.

You would also think that given all of the years that I have been plus-size, and give all the other depressing bathing suit shopping experiences that I've had, I would at least be a bit in 'the know.' But it wasn't until I had to ask for a bigger size of bathing suit, along with the unforgiving fluorescent lights in the change room that I began to crumble. Any sort of gains I had made in the body-esteem category quickly vanished and what I was left with was not pretty.

I am angry that I let this experience get to me in this way. I was pretty pissed that I had to spend $100 on a bathing suit that made me feel like I was an overweight, dowdy woman.

So after spending the cash, and feeling like going home to bed, we headed for the pool. Given the day I was having, I didn't dare get changed in the main room. You see the last time we were swimming a few years ago, I had a couple "incidents" with tweens and teens, feeling that it was their right and duty to comment on my weight. So after at least 2 incidents that I can remember, I took my stuff into the changing cubicle and did my thing.

When I tell J about this, he can't fathom it, since there aren't even separate change rooms in the men's locker rooms. And no guy is going to stop and stare and say, "God, you have a fat ass!" (Maybe I should get changed in the men's locker room instead ;-)

Anyhow, we went for a swim and we made it 20 minutes. It felt good to be light. The water makes me feel graceful, and I enjoy feeling all my muscles moving together to propel me through the water. Swimming is such a good exercise, but it seems to have fallen out of fashion. People would much rather hole themselves up in the gym and spend an hour on an elliptical machine. To each their own I guess.

Gym Day

Well, we went to Millennium Place today to get a gym membership. It was mobbed with people due to a volleyball tournament of junior high girls. God, I do not have any desire to go back to being 12 again, what a nightmare!

Anyhow, we signed up and went to workout. There were quite a few people in the fitness centre, and a lot of them were inspiring to me. Despite being completely self-conscious, I did manage to get a good lower body strength training session in with J. Of course, he does a lot more weight than I do at this point, but I think that over time I will get stronger.

At the end we were stretching and there was this women doing push ups on a stability ball. She had the tips of her toes on the ball and was doing push-ups like it was the easiest thing in the world. Now that is someone who is fit! It is inspiring to see people like this at the gym, because it reminds me that fit bodies are not a given, that they take lots of work and commitment.

So we're going to try to go swimming at least once a week, and we have to do lower body workouts there because we just don't have that kind of equipment at home. I suppose it forces me out of my shell too. People like me who are overweight and/or out-of-shape shouldn't feel self-conscious at the gym. I almost want to get a shirt that says, "I'm working on it!" Then again, I don't owe anyone an explanation of where I am in my journey, nor do I need to justify my right to be at the gym. Amen sister!

Remember When

For some reason I was thinking about high school this morning on my drive into work. Specifically, I was remembering my first boyfriend, and how terrible he was for my self-esteem. You see, in high school I was pretty fit, and I didn't really have a weight problem. But this bf was a really insecure jerk, and yes, I put up with it for 3 years. He was very good at keeping my confidence low and affirming that I was overweight and unattractive. I realize now that this was because he was incredibly insecure and jealous. What better way to keep your girlfriend in line than to tell her that people make fun of her behind her back and that she is lucky to even have a boyfriend. Sigh. I realize that there is no point kicking myself for this, but oh how I would love to go back in time and give this guy a good ass-kicking, verbally of course. I think it would feel pretty damn good to set the record straight with him. But perhaps bygones should be bygones. Since now I have a husband who cherishes all of me. His biggest concern in my health, and he certainly does wonders for my self-esteem. Of course, I am well aware that it is ME who should be in charge of my self-esteem, not any outside influence. But let's admit it, it doesn't hurt to have a big fan of all things me ;-)

I had a good fit day yesterday, since I walked at lunch and then did upper body resistance training last night. I am feeling stronger every day, which is a nice change. I'm still holding my breath for the increase in energy.

Sore shins & calves

Well I dragged my tired butt out for a walk today and just as I was feeling proud of going for walk even though I wasn't 'feelin' it, my calves and shins began to hurt. I couldn't go nearly as fast as I wanted to :-( So tonight there will be much stretching after we do upper weights. I always tend to forget the importance of stretching.

Weigh In Wednesday

I'm 297.2 today - which is obviously not good, but it is not as bad as a few weeks ago when I was 299.8. Phew! This increase in activity is obviously helping. I'm trying to get the fitness habits down and then I'll be more attentive to my food intake. I'm being somewhat attentive, in trying to eat real food and not overdo any treats. So far, so good.

I'm feeling physically better, feeling strong and fitter already. I've been doing cardio pretty much everyday, and adding strength training a few days a week. Now I need to add in stretching.

A Good Weekend

I was very active this weekend. Ok, perhaps I should say that I was very active to where I am right now. J and I went for a walk on Friday with the dogs, and then we did strength training for the upper body. Yesterday I did some ice picking for 35 minutes, which was an amazing workout. Today we took the dogs again, and I tried to walk as fast as I could. My skins got a bit sore, but other than that, it was all good.

I am recalling much fitter days, years and years ago. The classic story of a woman who thinks she fat when she's actually not (from ages 12 - 18). Then denying when I actually got fat and eventually ended up where I am here today at almost 300 pounds. Seeing that number on the screen scares the crap out of me! I remember going over 200 in high school and freaking out, but clearly not freaking out enough to change it.

I don't even know what a good weight will be - but it won't be 300, or 250, or 225. My goals is to definitely be under 220, so somewhere between 170 and 210 maybe. I was 210 when I graduated from high school and my grad dress was a size 16/17, which I was mortified by. Now I would gladly be that size.

But enough about dress sizes and the number on the scale. This really is much bigger and more important that those digits. This really is not about achieving some number - it's about taking my life back. I have been hiding, figuratively and literally for years. I have become an expert on pretending to be fine with the ways things are, and pretending that I'm not missing out.

But the truth is right out in front. There is no more denying what I need to do and why. I need to take my life back and fight for my health and my joy in living. I am just so exhausted and tired of pretending, and of lugging around all this extra weight. It's ridiculous.

Good Day

I took today off from work to just have a 'me' day. It was great. I slept in till 8 and got up for breakfast and some homework. Then I had a gigantic nap (10:30 - 2:00 pm). Then I watched a movie. Then J came home and we took the doggies for a walk, which I think was good cardio, despite J thinking it's not going to help me get into good shape. When we got back, we did some weights (upper body) and by the end my muscles were shaking, so I think that it was a good workout.

I am starting to get excited about 'living' again. I've spent so many years hiding behind my weight and low energy, that the thought of actually being able to do things again without worrying about if I'll be able to fit in the seat/chair/ride/wet suit/etc or if I'll have enough energy to get through the day. When J and I were talking about the level of fitness that I should aim for he said, "I'd like you to be able to hike in the mountains with me. Not a crazy 8 hour hike, but a normal hike for a few hours." This I can do.

The last time we went hiking I was pretty feeble, and J went on a couple extra hikes with one of our dogs. It would be fun to be able to enjoy the mountains again.

I'd also enjoy vacationing again. In the spring I went to MX with some girlfriends and I could barely keep up. Not only was I tired for most of the time, but I didn't want to go out at night and go dancing, I was tired and hot! This is pretty damn pathetic - I'm only 32 years old! So now that I realize that getting into really good shape will mean that I can engage in life, including vacations, I'm getting pretty excited.

I want my life back. I'm taking it back.

I'm Finally Back

Even though this is a private blog at this point, someday it might not be. Someday I might have the courage to share this with others.

I've taken more than a year off from this blog - which was a bad idea, since I only slipped back into denial about my weight and my health. I am now approximately 298 pounds, only a hair's breath away from the dreaded 300. I have been more active over the past year, as I've taken up walking on fairly regular basis. But still, I haven't managed to lose any of my girth, any of my armour. Somehow I justified this through the mirage of 'self love.' I convinced myself that I was ok with the way that I look, and that that was good enough. I completely ignored the facts:

1. I am 100 pounds overweight.
2. I am not a healthy person, I don't believe a person can be with 100 extra pounds weighing them down every single moment of every single day. I take thyroid medicine, antidepressants, and an acid reducer for acid reflux. At least two of these could be eliminated with a healthier me.
   
3. I am not happy, and a very big part of that is because I am tired all the time. I am likely tired all the time because of #1 and #2.
4. I deserve better.

I've had the same conversation with my husband many, many times. He tells me that he's worried about my health, and that he's afraid that I will die young. He tells me that it's not normal for me to sleep as much as I do, and to be as tired as I am all the time. And he's right. And I need to not forget this time, not slip and slide back into my old lifestyle of sleeping all the time, making excuses not to live my life and being miserable.

I am going to take my life back. I am going to take my body back.