Truth and Integrity

Over the long weekend I did some thinking about truth and integrity, as it applies to my body and health. I have not been truthful with myself about what the big picture is of my health, and I have not been truthful about what I'm really doing.

• I am not eating all that healthy most of the time
• I am not pushing myself to gain fitness
• I am not listening to my body all the time

There, I said it. I have gotten really good at living in denial about my body and health. I have used FA as a way to continue that denial. I am not happy with my health right now, and that has to change on multiple fronts: the way I see myself and how I take care of myself. I hate how much I've lied to myself and others about this.

So where does that leave me? Well, I'm more aware today, and I hope to maintain that awareness. That includes admitting that I haven't been feeling at that great. I've been even more tired lately, if that's even possible. I'm not blaming this on my weight necessarily, but I'm going to address the fatigue, since I made an appointment with my doctor and am going for a thyroid test later today. It is quite possible that my actual weight has nothing to do with, but then again, maybe it does. It may have much more to do with the fact that I'm eating quite a bit of sugar and fat. I know that's not good for my health, no matter how I justify it as intuitive eating (sorry IE). I seriously doubt it's intuitive eating - it's much more likely emotional eating, my main vice, my chosen coping mechanism for stress, fatigue, etc.

There are also health issues that are closely linked to my weight: acid reflux, and knee and foot pain. Of course there is also the feeling of being this heavy, the physical feeling of being this weight, lugging it up stairs, hauling it around with me. This is uncomfortable for me. I can only ever speak for me and how I feel. I've been so impressed with women that I've read about in the FA movement, that I've forgotten that it's okay for me to have my own ideas and opinion about what's best for me. I would like to lose some mass to feel more comfortable, to lighten the load a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And of course, just as important is loving my body. That is a tough one, and it always has been. I am continually apologizing to my body for being so unloving. I once read about someone who "loved their weight off." This women lost weight by loving herself enough to eat healthier and take better care of herself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything drastic to lose weight, and for that to be my only focus. I am saying that if I truly adopt a healthier approach, I believe that I will become healthier, and likely lighter. And if I don't lose any weight, but feel healthier and better, then that's fine. Although I have some serious doubts about that happening, since I don't think this is my happy weight. (I define happy weight as the weight your body goes do when you're living healthy and loving yourself. Mine is not 300. I suspect it is somewhere between 210-230.)