Old Habits

As they say, "Old habits die hard." This is certainly true for me, especially lately. I weighed myself this morning, after I decided to only weigh in once a month (stayed the same). I was even considering giving up the weighing thing altogether, because the more I read about accepting and loving myself, the more I realize that that is very likely the path to be taken. But like I said, old habits die hard. I've caught myself thinking about losing weight, and get this, going on a diet. When I first started reading about the anti-diet movement, I thought, "Holy crap, how awesome would that be to never diet again! The freedom!" And now I'm scared to death to let go of those old behaviors that caused me so much anxiety and unhappiness.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I tried reducing my antidepressant medication and it has not gone well at all. I am really struggling right now, and so perhaps this is not the best time to be expecting too much. I mean, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, never mind feel hopeful about changing the way I think about myself. But thankfully, that loving inner voice is still somewhere in here, whispering, "It's OK. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself right now." In the past, I would have never let that voice come on through, so I see that this as progress.

J is going to gym a lot right now, and I'm barely making it through the day. Granted, I am getting 4 or 5 days of cardio in each week, either walking at lunch or going to the dog park. But my old insecurities reared their ugly head when I began to feel like he was leaving me behind. He was going to become this muscle-bound gym guy who spent every waking hour swimming or lifting weights. Everyone would wonder why he was married to someone so overweight and obviously less fit. Talk about a little pity party!! I mentioned this to him and he replied, "This isn't about you. I need to do this for me." Yes, my ego was hurt for a brief moment, and then I realized that he is right, and that there is no need for me to freak out.

My general fatigue and exhaustion lately is not helping things. J seems convinced that he needs to really encourage me to push harder in my exercise routine. Maybe it's that I'm struggling right now, but it makes mad. I mean for god's sake, I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I make it to work, I go for a walk at lunch that is pretty good in terms of speed and effort, and then when I finally make it home at night I still make dinner and stuff. I just don't have anything left after that! Seriously, I can't imagine going to the gym after a full day - that's just not where I am right now! I think that part of listening to my body and loving myself is to accept this and NOT beat myself over it. This too shall pass . . . I think.

I guess it's hard for him to understand my fatigue - fair enough. He's a pretty energetic person, only needing 6 or 7 hours sleep a night, while I could do 10 or more every night. He can go all day long and still work out at night. But we're comparing apples and oranges. He doesn't know what it feels like to be here inside my body, and vice versa. So really, we just need to accept each other's situation and be supportive. At some point I might need a bit of a push to move beyond what I'm doing, but that push is misplaced if its used right now.