A Good Weekend

I was very active this weekend. Ok, perhaps I should say that I was very active to where I am right now. J and I went for a walk on Friday with the dogs, and then we did strength training for the upper body. Yesterday I did some ice picking for 35 minutes, which was an amazing workout. Today we took the dogs again, and I tried to walk as fast as I could. My skins got a bit sore, but other than that, it was all good.

I am recalling much fitter days, years and years ago. The classic story of a woman who thinks she fat when she's actually not (from ages 12 - 18). Then denying when I actually got fat and eventually ended up where I am here today at almost 300 pounds. Seeing that number on the screen scares the crap out of me! I remember going over 200 in high school and freaking out, but clearly not freaking out enough to change it.

I don't even know what a good weight will be - but it won't be 300, or 250, or 225. My goals is to definitely be under 220, so somewhere between 170 and 210 maybe. I was 210 when I graduated from high school and my grad dress was a size 16/17, which I was mortified by. Now I would gladly be that size.

But enough about dress sizes and the number on the scale. This really is much bigger and more important that those digits. This really is not about achieving some number - it's about taking my life back. I have been hiding, figuratively and literally for years. I have become an expert on pretending to be fine with the ways things are, and pretending that I'm not missing out.

But the truth is right out in front. There is no more denying what I need to do and why. I need to take my life back and fight for my health and my joy in living. I am just so exhausted and tired of pretending, and of lugging around all this extra weight. It's ridiculous.

Good Day

I took today off from work to just have a 'me' day. It was great. I slept in till 8 and got up for breakfast and some homework. Then I had a gigantic nap (10:30 - 2:00 pm). Then I watched a movie. Then J came home and we took the doggies for a walk, which I think was good cardio, despite J thinking it's not going to help me get into good shape. When we got back, we did some weights (upper body) and by the end my muscles were shaking, so I think that it was a good workout.

I am starting to get excited about 'living' again. I've spent so many years hiding behind my weight and low energy, that the thought of actually being able to do things again without worrying about if I'll be able to fit in the seat/chair/ride/wet suit/etc or if I'll have enough energy to get through the day. When J and I were talking about the level of fitness that I should aim for he said, "I'd like you to be able to hike in the mountains with me. Not a crazy 8 hour hike, but a normal hike for a few hours." This I can do.

The last time we went hiking I was pretty feeble, and J went on a couple extra hikes with one of our dogs. It would be fun to be able to enjoy the mountains again.

I'd also enjoy vacationing again. In the spring I went to MX with some girlfriends and I could barely keep up. Not only was I tired for most of the time, but I didn't want to go out at night and go dancing, I was tired and hot! This is pretty damn pathetic - I'm only 32 years old! So now that I realize that getting into really good shape will mean that I can engage in life, including vacations, I'm getting pretty excited.

I want my life back. I'm taking it back.

I'm Finally Back

Even though this is a private blog at this point, someday it might not be. Someday I might have the courage to share this with others.

I've taken more than a year off from this blog - which was a bad idea, since I only slipped back into denial about my weight and my health. I am now approximately 298 pounds, only a hair's breath away from the dreaded 300. I have been more active over the past year, as I've taken up walking on fairly regular basis. But still, I haven't managed to lose any of my girth, any of my armour. Somehow I justified this through the mirage of 'self love.' I convinced myself that I was ok with the way that I look, and that that was good enough. I completely ignored the facts:

1. I am 100 pounds overweight.
2. I am not a healthy person, I don't believe a person can be with 100 extra pounds weighing them down every single moment of every single day. I take thyroid medicine, antidepressants, and an acid reducer for acid reflux. At least two of these could be eliminated with a healthier me.
   
3. I am not happy, and a very big part of that is because I am tired all the time. I am likely tired all the time because of #1 and #2.
4. I deserve better.

I've had the same conversation with my husband many, many times. He tells me that he's worried about my health, and that he's afraid that I will die young. He tells me that it's not normal for me to sleep as much as I do, and to be as tired as I am all the time. And he's right. And I need to not forget this time, not slip and slide back into my old lifestyle of sleeping all the time, making excuses not to live my life and being miserable.

I am going to take my life back. I am going to take my body back.