I'm Back

It's been almost a year since I last posted anything. I sort of fell off the blog wagon and into old habits. The good news is that I haven't gained weight over the last year, but lost a tiny amount. My new weight is 296 as of today, and I'm leaning towards less and less.

Past year progress - I have been fairly active, either walking or doing an exercise video 3-6 days a week. I have been eating a bit better, and I am taking up tracking calories again. I am beginning to realize that this is really the only thing that works for me: tracking my intake and remaining active. I am not happy at this weight at all. Regardless of how much more I love myself and accept my body, I still realize that I need to lose a significant amount of weight to be comfortable in my body. And by comfortable, I mean being able to do the things that I want to do, to have more energy, and not to lug around these extra 100 pounds anymore!

Frustration and Renewal

I feel like a broken record, saying the same thing over and over again. And then doing nothing about it. I have renewed my focus once again, to start living better and losing weight. I am living a somewhat inactive lifestyle and only eating good some of the time. So there is certainly room for improvement. I am fairly frustrated with my lack of progress, although I see quite clearly why I haven't made any, since I haven't stuck to any changes.

So this means that I'm back to being more accountable, tracking my food, scheduling and hopefully participating in more exercise. Because it doesn't matter how much I try to pretend that I'm content with being at this weight, I'm not. I'm not even close.

Carry On

I keep reading more of the FA materials out there, and I see the argument that not every fat person is sitting on the couch eating junk food. It makes me think of how often I sit around eating junk food. This is not something that is easy to admit, especially since it sits squarely on my shoulders. I know that I eat more junk food than I really should. I know that I am often too sedentary for my own good. I pretty much took last week off from exercise, as I was feeling under the weather thanks to that time of the month.

Regardless, I can see that I need to be more honest with myself and take responsibility for my actions. I am not one of the fat people who are super healthy in their lifestyle. I am a fat person who can pretty easily see how and why I got to this place, as difficult as that is to admit. I noticed a lot of mindless eating this weekend. I had admitted to myself the truth last week and was doing pretty good for a few days. Then the weekend arrived and I threw that all aside to indulge a bit too much. The stupid thing is that half the time I don't even want it, but I've bought it and it's sitting there, and I end up having it because I'm bored, or because I'm watching TV. I really don't want to look back at my life and see that I could have changed my behavior and gotten healthier and felt better. I have literally made myself sick by eating too much junk food, in terms of having a sore stomach and bad digestion. WHAT AM I DOING!?

There, I've said it again. Maybe if I keep admitting it, I won't be able to easily set it aside when I want to revert to old behaviors. The other thing I always struggle with is eating more of the good stuff. You see when I'm used to having treats during the day, I literally save room for them. For example, we had sandwiches on Saturday, and instead of filling up on fairly healthy sandwiches, I only had a small one, and then had a cupcake with 2 inches of icing on it. So if I go forward and stop having the cupcake/chocolate/caramel/etc. as often, I need to replace that with some healthier food if I'm hungry. I seriously find that a difficult task sometimes, as I've trained myself to save that room for the 'good' stuff.

My goals for this week:
1. Eat mindfully - be aware of what I'm eating and how I'm feeling before, during and after.
2. Exercise at least - 3 or 4 days this week - given how busy it's going to be
3. Record my food to be accountable
4. Listen to my body

Well there we have it. We're going on vacation next week, but I refuse to fall into the "might as well eat what I want, since we're almost on vacation." I also want to move a lot and eat well on our vacation.

Just Say No

I've had two small wins in the last 24 hours that I want to note. Last night we had a moderately healthy dinner, 2 kinds of veggies, poirogies(sp?) and sausage and light sour cream. I had water instead of pop, which was getting easier and easier to have with every meal. I really wanted something sweet after dinner, which I pretty much always do. But I restrained myself and I felt fine. I wasn't really craving it badly, it's almost more of a habit lately, which isn't doing me any favors. Half the time I don't feel that great physically when I have too many rich foods, or too much sugar. So this is where the listening to my body and being more mindful of what I'm ingesting becomes important. So that's win #1.

Then today at lunch we went out with a group from work. I had a clubhouse on multigrain bread with homemade french fries, because I was quite hungry and that appealed to me. I only ate what I wanted and left some on the plate. When dessert menus went around, I said no thanks. Once again, having dessert at lunch often makes me feel sick, so duh, I should be saying no way more often. I seem to function well with 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.

So far, being accountable is going well.

Truth and Integrity

Over the long weekend I did some thinking about truth and integrity, as it applies to my body and health. I have not been truthful with myself about what the big picture is of my health, and I have not been truthful about what I'm really doing.

• I am not eating all that healthy most of the time
• I am not pushing myself to gain fitness
• I am not listening to my body all the time

There, I said it. I have gotten really good at living in denial about my body and health. I have used FA as a way to continue that denial. I am not happy with my health right now, and that has to change on multiple fronts: the way I see myself and how I take care of myself. I hate how much I've lied to myself and others about this.

So where does that leave me? Well, I'm more aware today, and I hope to maintain that awareness. That includes admitting that I haven't been feeling at that great. I've been even more tired lately, if that's even possible. I'm not blaming this on my weight necessarily, but I'm going to address the fatigue, since I made an appointment with my doctor and am going for a thyroid test later today. It is quite possible that my actual weight has nothing to do with, but then again, maybe it does. It may have much more to do with the fact that I'm eating quite a bit of sugar and fat. I know that's not good for my health, no matter how I justify it as intuitive eating (sorry IE). I seriously doubt it's intuitive eating - it's much more likely emotional eating, my main vice, my chosen coping mechanism for stress, fatigue, etc.

There are also health issues that are closely linked to my weight: acid reflux, and knee and foot pain. Of course there is also the feeling of being this heavy, the physical feeling of being this weight, lugging it up stairs, hauling it around with me. This is uncomfortable for me. I can only ever speak for me and how I feel. I've been so impressed with women that I've read about in the FA movement, that I've forgotten that it's okay for me to have my own ideas and opinion about what's best for me. I would like to lose some mass to feel more comfortable, to lighten the load a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And of course, just as important is loving my body. That is a tough one, and it always has been. I am continually apologizing to my body for being so unloving. I once read about someone who "loved their weight off." This women lost weight by loving herself enough to eat healthier and take better care of herself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything drastic to lose weight, and for that to be my only focus. I am saying that if I truly adopt a healthier approach, I believe that I will become healthier, and likely lighter. And if I don't lose any weight, but feel healthier and better, then that's fine. Although I have some serious doubts about that happening, since I don't think this is my happy weight. (I define happy weight as the weight your body goes do when you're living healthy and loving yourself. Mine is not 300. I suspect it is somewhere between 210-230.)

Knowing

I am in a bit of a body-hating cycle right now, I am sad to admit. I was flying pretty high on the FA premise, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, pardon the overused pun. Now I'm feeling pretty low about my body and my weight, so I'm going to try to find some good FA/self-acceptance literature to change my perspective.

There is such a difference between learning about something and graduating to 'knowing' it on a deeper level. But even though I realize that it will take some time to really live FA, I am frustrated none the less. I even found myself counting calories this week! Egad! The truth is that I have be careful not to use FA as an excuse for overeating and being unaccountable about my health. I am a devious creature, and if I can find a reason to eat junk food more often, I usually will. But I have to remember that FA is about acceptance of self and others, no matter what appearances may be. It's not about giving myself permission to give up on living a healthy lifestyle and not taking care of myself.

On the good side, it is Friday of a long weekend. I have some fun plans, and some relaxation planned. Hopefully I can find some clarity and peace.

The Facts

Yes to FA. Yes to health. And yes to losing some weight. There seems to be mixed opinions on losing weight while subscribing to the Fat Acceptance ideology. I have decided that for me, I need to lose some weight for health reasons. And it is through loving and accepting my body as worthwhile that I am going to achieve this. So I'm putting up my stats chart again, and I'm going to weigh in once a month, like previously. I want to get down 10 pounds and see how I feel. Then I'll go from there. Although I suspect that I'll want to get lighter still. This is a personal decision that I am making for my own reasons. I am not implying that anyone else should need to lose weight.

Here's my September 1 prize, a new pair of Dansko clogs:



I can't wait to get them! I hope they fit!