Past Present and Future

I have spent a lot of time mulling over the past, especially when it comes to thinking about weight loss. I can look at a picture and tell you how much I most likely weighed the time, and no matter what that weight was, I still thought I was fat. Of course I look back now and think, "Damn, I looked good!" But that moment has passed and I see where I am now and get a bit pissed with myself for not seeing my beauty back then. Then I slowly realize that the only way to break this pattern is to stop beating the crap out of myself now, in the present. So instead of nurturing my self-made 'hate-on,' I've got to nurture self-love, no matter how self-help-cliche that sounds. My beauty is not defined only by my appearance, and I certainly don't see others only as their outer shell. So why should I spend all of my energy only worrying about that aspect of myself?! Well, that's pretty obvious to me at this moment, but I'm sure I'll rehash this again and again until it becomes a habit.

My weekend did not go as planned. I was sick for most of the weekend with stomach/digestion issues, as yet truly defined by the medical field. I realized that I'm sick a lot, with either tummy issues, or headaches, or paralyzing fatigue - and I have to say, I'm getting pretty damn fed up with it! I missed out on going to the gym, and spending more time with J, all because I was either in bed, or on the toilet. (Too graphic? Well hell, it is my blog, so I suppose I can be as graphic as I like ;-) Anyhow, this got me to thinking about how much time I spend feeling sick, and thus, how much I miss out on. I think I need to investigate further - since a good friend who recently discovered she has celiac disease told me, "Feeling sick was the norm. It wasn't until I felt better that I realized how awful I had felt for so long." HOLY CRAP! I would love to feel better! I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome a few years ago, but I never really figured out what to eat and what to avoid. In my defense, that seems to change on a daily basis, some days I can have dairy, and some days it makes me sick. The same is true for meat, fried food, etc. I admit, I'm a bit lazy when it comes to this, because it usually passes, and when I'm feeling fine I don't feel like analyzing what I'm ingesting. But as I write this, I suspect that a detailed food journal is in order, to record all the messy details about my food reactions, so that I can come up with some sort of recovery plan. Because this is getting RIDICULOUS!

So while this blog originally began in my mind as a 'weight-loss' blog, it has really morphed into something so much more hopeful. As I mentioned before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life obsessing/regretting/hating/etc about my weight. I want to love myself, take good care of myself and live my life to the fullest (cue angels singing uplifting chorus!)