Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This . . .

That song just popped into my head as I was about to start this post, and it seems quite appropriate. A few weeks ago my doctor suggested that I try reducing my dose of Celexa, since it has been a few years since we tried last, and I was feeling pretty good. I had visions of coming off them completely, and magically feeling great, despite my history of serious withdrawl symptoms. Well, I barely made it 2 weeks into reducing my dosage, and only by 10mg, and I could no longer handle the withdrawl symptoms. I immediately began to feel like a failure, when my darling husband reminded me that this is not a personal failure, in fact, it isn't a failure at all. Period. I have to admit that without his reminders, I would be much, much harder on myself. What a gem!

More on Acceptance

I just read this awesome post about fat acceptance and this made a HUGE light go on for me. Check this out: http://kateharding.net/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/. So far I am learning a lot with several sites, including: http://watrd.wordpress.com/.

A few posts ago I said that I was more comfortable with the size acceptance thing instead of the fat acceptance thing for me personally. I would like to revise my opinion. With some reading I realize that I am both, in that I passionately agree that everyone should be treated with dignity regardless of weight, height, skin color, sex, sexuality, disability, religion, etc. I agree with Kate's post as linked above, and I understand that I can be healthy and be on board with the fat acceptance movement. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I find it funny though, that as I learn more about accepting my body and loving myself as is, I become less and less motivated to make myself thin. Perhaps I am starting to see the bigger picture, perhaps there is a bigger light coming on within me. Maybe, just maybe, I can take good care of myself, become fitter and more toned and not remain obsessed with the scale, the measurements, the number of calories, etc. My husband keeps telling me this - why is it that someone we live with or are very close to can tell us something for years, and I truly mean years, and it isn't until we read it or hear it from somewhere else, that we actually begin to believe that it might have some merit? I can't count how many times J and I have had the exact same conversation, where he encourages me to get healthier, that I shouldn't care about all those pesky numbers, and that I should pay attention to how I'm feeling. He tells me I'm great just the way I am, and that he hopes we can do more physical activities together, like hiking in the mountains. This is not an unreasonable request (he's not talking Mount Everest people, but a 1-3 hours hike in moderation).

I'm excited about these possibilities. I have hope. Last week I was overwhelmed with the numbers and forcing myself to change, trying to ignore the hunger, and now I'm thinking that there is another way. I just need to open my mind and see the possibilities.

Mondays

Not so long ago, Monday's signified that 'restart.' You know, there aren't that many diets that start on Fridays, or Wednesdays, etc. But as I've mentioned, there is no restarting for me now, I want to treat my health focus as an ongoing journey, one that does not get to stop and start, because really, it doesn't.

The weekend was pretty good, although I spent a bit too much time in the sun on Saturday and felt ill for the rest of the day. This meant that I missed working out, and skipped a few meals. But by Sunday I was feeling better, but still didn't have an official workout. I got sucked into a good book yesterday, and didn't finish it until 10 pm last night. I love finding a good book to read, but I get a bit to 'involved' with it and have trouble putting it down.

Speaking of books, I got my 1st month prize in the mail on Friday. I have been reading this blog (http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/) and decided to buy her book. I think it will be enjoyable and inspiring. What I like about Shauna's site is that it's honest, clever and real. I can also really relate because our stats are similar: same height, close starting weight, close goal weight. I can only hope to be as successful as she is.



I'll keep you posted on the prizes and progress, hopefully more good things to come!

Intuitive Eating

I stumbled across some information on intuitive eating: http://www.intuitiveeating.org/ and I find it quite fascinating. From my limited understanding, it is a non-dieting approach to eating, which involves listening to your body's internal cues to decide when, what and how much to eat.

What I really like about this approach is that for me, it would mean that I wouldn't have to obsess about counting calories, fat grams, etc. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that a few months ago I was very unfocused on what I was eating, in fact I gave myself permission to eat whatever/whenever I wanted. My weight stabilized, which really surprised me. What was also surprising was that the more permission I gave myself, the less I actually wanted unhealthier foods. When I gave myself permission to eat as much chocolate as I wanted, I had it once a week, or twice a week in smaller portions. Knowing that I could have it at any time took away my usual tendency to want to binge on it, because I would normally tell myself, "I'll have this now and then get back on track." It was almost as if I had to make it worth my while if I was going to 'cheat.'

It's not totally clear to me how this is all going to fit into my goals of getting healthy and losing weight. I have some internal conflict over giving up 'counting' and relying on my body to regulate my eating. What if I don't lose any weight? Or, gasp, what if I actually gain more weight? I'm afraid of giving up that control, despite the fact that I so often lose the control, beat myself up, and then start the control process all over again.

I found the intuitive eating information this morning, just in time, since a group of us were going out to a food festival at lunch. I was worrying about what I was going to eat that would be healthy/low-fat, etc. Once I read a bit of that site, I relaxed and felt much happier thinking about how maybe I could still reach my goal of health without the anxiety and stress involved with tracking everything. We went for lunch and I just picked what I wanted, instead of worrying or obsessing about it. I enjoyed myself!

The jury is still out, but I'm giving this some serious consideration. I've also been reading some information on the fat acceptance movement, and the size acceptance movement. I'm not really that informed in these areas, but I think for me, I tend to learn towards the size acceptance movement, for my situation. I know that I'm not super healthy where I am and that needs to change, but at the same time, I am very tired of beating myself up for being fat. So I'm trying to understand how to love and appreciate my body, and work at changing it. In some ways that is really the key: when I decide that my body is precious and a valuable part of my being, I can see that it deserves to be well taken care of with good food, exercise, adequate rest, and play. Loving my body does not really align with eating way too much, or neglecting to get any exercise for months at a time. The impression I get with the fat acceptance movement, is that it would advocate accepting where I am at the moment, and not necessarily trying to change it. That's just not working for me - even if I get why other people would do it. I come back to everyone being different and needing different approaches.

Struggles Ahead

This is harder than I thought it was going to be. Last night I sort of decided that I need to have a better appreciation for my body, instead of having such a big hate-on for it. It's my fault that I'm obese and out of shape. My body has just reacted to its environment, and done it's best to function. That may sound a bit loopy, but it just makes sense to me.

I'm finding it hard to resist eating at night, when I'm watching TV. I work all day, go for my walk at lunch, come home and make dinner, feed and play with the dogs, and then I usually take an hour or two to decompress in front of the tube. Then the need to eat strikes. Last night I managed to get by with water, since I'm pretty sure I wasn't actually hungry. The night prior I had some chips. Luckily we're almost out of junkie type foods at home, and I'm doing my best not to replenish them. J's good in that way, he's cool with me not bringing home junk food.

I'm tracking my intake on fitday and I see that I'm still consuming too much fat overall. My goal for today is to reach 30% or less in fat. And perhaps to aim for 2200 calories instead of 2400. I'm going to be having a lunch tomorrow that will likely but me over the top, so I'm preparing for it.

I'm also trying to rid myself of my celebrity gossip addiction. It's a guilty sort of pleasure, and with all the free online sites, it's way too easy to access. J calls it 'porn.' Humph.

Small Succuess is Still Success

It's hard not to weigh myself all the time! I planned on weighing in once a month, but I found myself on the scale this morning checking to see "if I'm on track." I'm down 0.6 pounds since one week ago, granted I weighed myself after I ate breakfast and drank a some water. So I'm estimating that I'm down a bit more than that. Regardless, I'm happy with the little win.

The battle continues: I'm taking a rest day today because my plantar's is acting up, and my knees are sore. So a rest day it is, although I did take a little stroll just a few minutes ago to loosen up. I'm hoping to get in some stretching tonight.

I was pretty hungry this morning, which is not fun. I know that I may need to be a little bit hungry now and then, but not super hungry, as self-control is hard to come by in those situations. So I went and got some turkey noodle soup to supplement the sandwich that I brought for lunch. Hopefully this balancing act will get easier over time.

Diets Suck

Like many women, I have tried (and failed) many, many diets, and with each one I had a similar problem: not enough calories. So many diets subscribe to the "one size fits all" approach when they advise a 300-pound woman to eat the same number of calories as a 150-pound woman. Years ago I thought, "Shouldn't the heavier person eat less since they have more to lose?" But now I know that our bodies burn more calories when they are heavier, particularly when there is more muscle mass.

The other fallacy that some diets promote is eliminating entire food groups, or completely eliminating 'treats.' Yes, I realize that eating junk food 3 times a day is a bad idea. But never allowing yourself to eat chocolate again is ridiculous. I know for me personally, the moment that I promise myself, "No more junk food at all," that that is the only thing I crave from then on in. I may be able to do it for a week or so, but then I end up bingeing on chocolate, chips, fries, etc. However, the times when I've done the opposite and said to myself, "You can eat whatever you want," I eat much less junk. (Obviously I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet, or I wouldn't be near 300 pounds.)

So where is the middle ground? What I've seen again and again is that different approaches work for different people, and the key is figuring out what works for me. I'm following the Canada Food Guide with some modification (since they don't factor in current weight), and I'm using fitday.com to track my caloric intake, aiming to eat around 2200-2400 calories per day. According to fitday, I'm burning approximately 2900 calories a day before doing any exercise, so I'm taking off approximately 500-700 calories/day to aim for a loss of 1 – 1.25 pounds per week. I'm also allowing myself a treat a day, or less, depending on cravings and overall fat intake. I'm aiming for 30% or less of fat, 50% carbs, and 20% protein.

I'm also adding in resistance training this week, following the women's Body for Life method. More details to follow.

Do I have all the answers? No, of course not. But I'm doing my best with what I know at this time.

Lots to Ponder

I am just remembering the importance of being positive and taking care of all of me. Yes, I need to change my habits, yes, I need to lose a ton of weight, and I also need to speak kindly to myself, have patience and be good to myself. I always seem to forget pieces of the puzzle, because I get too focused on the scale, or a rest day, or some other insignificant detail.

I'm sifting through the book "Thin for Life" and it has a lot of good gems in it. One of the things it mentions is that you should live your life right now, and not put things on hold until you lose weight. I do this all the time! I think, "I'll buy a new winter jacket when I lose all my weight," or "I'll feel beautiful when I lose some weight," or "I'll take up belly dancing when I'm thinner." But my life is passing me by right now, so I need to live it right now! I spent the weekend hibernating/sleeping, and sort of avoiding living. I don't want to waste anymore time, I want to enjoy life right now.

Happy Friday

It's been approximately one week since I've been 'back in the game.' But this time there won't be any end, even if there are a few blips along the way. Last night when I went to pick up A&W I made a good choice. Even though I had a coupon for 2 teen burger combos, I instead got the grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad with a diet root beer. This is a small victory for me, and thus worth noting.

I went through a bunch of pictures last night at home for some inspiration, and I found quite a few. I've just got to keep my eyes on the prize.

Arg!

OK, sorry about the previous post being sort of wonky in it's layout, but that's as good as it's going to get for now. Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I post the Oct 1 pics.

I am taking today as a rest day, so I'll just do some stretching and a light walk around my work building. Then back in the saddle tomorrow.

I am always anxious when I restart my healthy approach, because I fear that it will be like every other time that I have 'tried' and then subsequently 'failed.' This in itself is it's own issue, because from now on there will be no beginning and no end. This is a change to a healthy lifestyle, so I need to stop thinking about its edges. I need to do this continually, and with vigour. I look at my 'before' pics and I tense, because I think of the magnitude of what I need to do.

But when I really look at it, and think back to articles I've read, I remember that it didn't take me a few days to get here, and it sure as hell isn't going to take a few days to get back to a healthy physique. It took me approximately 14 years to gain all this weight, so if it takes me a few years to take it off I'm doing good.

Another lie I have told myself in the past when I make a mistake, is that I'll start over tomorrow/Monday/later/etc. This time, I am correcting immediately, the very next change I get. This can't be a 'diet' that I stick to for a little while and then bail on. It has to be so much more than that.

"Before" Pics

I would much rather call them 'before' pics than current pics. But they are what they are. This post and my measurement post help with accountability and reality. I plan on taking measurements, body fat and pics every 12 weeks to note progress.

Seeing this front pic is tough. I can't believe how big my middle area is compared to the rest of me. My legs look so short, even though I think they are pretty average for my height (5 foot 8). And I always thought my chest was bigger than my belly, which is clearly not the case.

Like the front view, this is also tough to see. I might look short because of the way the pic was taken, from a much taller person. Oh denial, I look for any excuse to explain what I see.

Ah yes, the side profile, quite painful. Aside from what I noticed above, I can't help but think how small my feet look. I'd noticed this about other heavier women before and I just assumed they had small feet. But I wear size 10.5, so my feet are plenty big.

In light of the pics shown here, there are several 'lights' that come to mind. I will be pleased with my progress when my stomach does not precede me when I enter a room, when I am more in proportion and no body part really defines me. Yes, I know that my tummy shouldn't define me, but it really affects how I see myself. And besides, clearly there is a lot of work to be done here. A lot.

'Before' Measurements

Here are my 'before' measurements (ouch) with my current weight being 296.6:
Good god my girth astounds me! These are some tough numbers to look at.

I'm 5 foot 8 inches. Ugh.

• Weight: 296.6 pounds
  
• Body fat: 51.3%
• Neck: 17 in
• Chest: 54.5 in
• Waist: 48 in (smallest point)
• Low waist: 51.5 in (at belly button)
• Hips: 57.5 in
• Thigh: 32.25 in
• Calf: 19 in
• Wrist: 7 in
• Ankle: 10.5 in

Teeny Victory

I said no to cake. Free cake. This is a small victory for today.

As for yesterday, I went to dinner with a girlfriend and I didn't have dessert. Then we went to a movie, and all I had was water. This also counts as a small victory on the health front. I am hoping that each small victory can propel me to make more good choices in the future.

We also went shopping in Old Navy and I fit into some gear there, albeit in the XXL size. But still, it was kind of exciting. That is one of the things I am really looking forward to, is having more clothing options, instead of just the plus size stores. I love A&E, but I'm almost too big to shop there, there tops barely fit, and the bottoms are hit and miss, and this is even since they added size 26 to their selection. The jeans I have on today are a size 26 and the waist is pretty snug. Ugh!

A few days ago J commented that my blog is pretty negative, in that I focus on negative things. I was sort of annoyed by that comment for a few reasons. First, I am blogging the reality of my health right now, and it just so happens that it's a bit of a downer. That will likely change over time. Second, I assumed that my blog is my business, and it's sort of like my journal, so when I'm feeling negative, it'll reflect that. I'm new the world of blogging, although I've had a journal since I was 12. I've made this blog public, although I seriously doubt anyone will read it other than my friends, and I don't even expect them to really follow it. It's more for me to rant and rave and hopefully make some serious progress.

I read a few other weight loss blogs, for lack of a better term, and I find them very inspiring. But I don't expect mine to be particularly inspiring until some progress is made. So we'll see. I'm here to track my success and failures and to get it all out onto the screen so that it doesn't stay locked in my worrying mind.

Changing is Hard

Changing habits is a hard thing to do. I had a small success on the weekend: I was watching tv and J was outside with the pooches. I thought, "I need chocolate, I am going to have some while he's outside and can't see me." I got up to go to the kitchen and on the way there I realized that not only did I not need the chocolate, it wasn't actually something I really wanted, but I also needed to stop the thought pattern that accompanies this. I can't always have all the sweets I want, as those habits are what got me to almost 300 pounds in the first place. So change is in the air.

I have sort of become anti-diet. Every single time I've 'dieted' I end up losing a little bit of weight and then gaining it back and then some. In the last year, I quit dieting and my weight finally stabilized. So my approach this time is moderation and slow weight loss. I am focusing on eating healthy, which I will go into more detail on later, and exercising at least 30 minutes everyday. Right now that is walking at lunch, but I will add in resistance training in a few weeks, once I'm back into the groove.

The Canada Food Guide has a pretty good layout for healthy eating (http://www.hc-sc.gc.ca/fn-an/food-guide-aliment/index-eng.php). I am taking a lot from there, trying to eat more fruits and vegetables, lean protein and complex carbohydrates. I'm also hoping to implement a intuitive eating approach that means listening to your body for hunger cues, eating when hungry, not eating when full. That seems sort of obvious to a lot of people, but for me, I get used to eating on a schedule, and I often eat because it's there, or I'm stressed, etc.

This is a new beginning for me. I hope to add links to useful sites that I find along the way. A blog that I found recently is very inspiring for me, in terms of goals, and in terms of my own blog. Check it out at: http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/. In my own defense of just saying that I am anti-dieting, this blog is not a traditional diet site, but a very inspiring story about a woman who lost half her weight, slowly and sensibly.

Sleeping Fatty

The truth can really, really hurt sometimes. Sort of like right now, as I remember once again what lies before me, and what I really need to do. There is no denying that I have to lose weight, probably at least 75 pounds. And while I don't want to obsess over the scale, it will no doubt have to decrease.

So in light of this truth, I am setting the following long-term goals:
1. Lose at least 75 pounds
2. Exercise at least 5 times per week
3. Eat healthy by reducing the amount of junk food, eating more fruits and vegetables
4. Taking care of my body and appreciating it

Immediate goals:
1. Lose 5 pounds (reach 291.6)
2. Go to the gym at least 2 times per week for strength training
3. Walk at least 3 times per week

In finishing my degree, I realized that I can meet goals that I set for myself, even if it takes some time. Also, I have much more time now that I'm done, so this will be my next big project, pardon the painfully obvious pun.