Fatigue

I don't think that it is a coincidence that the word "fat" is the beginning of fatigue. I've made all kinds of excuses as to why I am often tired or exhausted, such as "I'm hypothyroid, I'm just a tired person, I'm just a low-energy person" etc. It has taken me a while to admit that my fatigue could be caused by lugging around more than a 100 extra pounds. Hmmm, seems sort of obvious now. I'm not saying that my thyroid has nothing to do with it, because it may, but honestly, it likely has a lot to do with the excess weight.

So I'm hoping that as I get into better shape, and drop some unhealthy weight, that my energy will increase. I certainly hope so. It's frustrating having to plan things around anticipated energy levels, or lack thereof.

Spring Jacket

I finally bought a new spring jacket from Eddie Bauer. I've been wanting a new spring coat for a few years, but I've been doing the classic, "I'll wait to lose weight." Ironically, I now bought one and I am losing weight. Oh well. Here is the fabulous coat. To check out more colors and sizes, go to: http://www.eddiebauer.com

EB has some really nice plus size clothes. I could really spend a lot of mulla there. The jacket I ordered fits perfectly in the shoulders and bust, but is pretty big everywhere else. Thankfully my mother-in-law is going to take it in for me.

Bathing Suit Trauma

Ok, maybe trauma is a strong word to use when discussing bathing suits, but in this case, I feel that it applies. As I was getting ready to go swimming today, I tried on my modest black one-piece, every plus-size girl's natural choice, to discover that it no longer fit. It was too short, so the top wasn't exactly the kind of cleavage-revealing suit that I wanted to wear, especially when trying to actually swim. So off to Pennington's I went, while J waited in the car. Initially I was kind of excited. You see I've been feeling really good about my body since I've been exercising a lot lately. Things are becoming firmer, and even my jeans that I wore that day, which I hadn't worn because they were too tight, were fitting good.

You would also think that given all of the years that I have been plus-size, and give all the other depressing bathing suit shopping experiences that I've had, I would at least be a bit in 'the know.' But it wasn't until I had to ask for a bigger size of bathing suit, along with the unforgiving fluorescent lights in the change room that I began to crumble. Any sort of gains I had made in the body-esteem category quickly vanished and what I was left with was not pretty.

I am angry that I let this experience get to me in this way. I was pretty pissed that I had to spend $100 on a bathing suit that made me feel like I was an overweight, dowdy woman.

So after spending the cash, and feeling like going home to bed, we headed for the pool. Given the day I was having, I didn't dare get changed in the main room. You see the last time we were swimming a few years ago, I had a couple "incidents" with tweens and teens, feeling that it was their right and duty to comment on my weight. So after at least 2 incidents that I can remember, I took my stuff into the changing cubicle and did my thing.

When I tell J about this, he can't fathom it, since there aren't even separate change rooms in the men's locker rooms. And no guy is going to stop and stare and say, "God, you have a fat ass!" (Maybe I should get changed in the men's locker room instead ;-)

Anyhow, we went for a swim and we made it 20 minutes. It felt good to be light. The water makes me feel graceful, and I enjoy feeling all my muscles moving together to propel me through the water. Swimming is such a good exercise, but it seems to have fallen out of fashion. People would much rather hole themselves up in the gym and spend an hour on an elliptical machine. To each their own I guess.

Gym Day

Well, we went to Millennium Place today to get a gym membership. It was mobbed with people due to a volleyball tournament of junior high girls. God, I do not have any desire to go back to being 12 again, what a nightmare!

Anyhow, we signed up and went to workout. There were quite a few people in the fitness centre, and a lot of them were inspiring to me. Despite being completely self-conscious, I did manage to get a good lower body strength training session in with J. Of course, he does a lot more weight than I do at this point, but I think that over time I will get stronger.

At the end we were stretching and there was this women doing push ups on a stability ball. She had the tips of her toes on the ball and was doing push-ups like it was the easiest thing in the world. Now that is someone who is fit! It is inspiring to see people like this at the gym, because it reminds me that fit bodies are not a given, that they take lots of work and commitment.

So we're going to try to go swimming at least once a week, and we have to do lower body workouts there because we just don't have that kind of equipment at home. I suppose it forces me out of my shell too. People like me who are overweight and/or out-of-shape shouldn't feel self-conscious at the gym. I almost want to get a shirt that says, "I'm working on it!" Then again, I don't owe anyone an explanation of where I am in my journey, nor do I need to justify my right to be at the gym. Amen sister!

Remember When

For some reason I was thinking about high school this morning on my drive into work. Specifically, I was remembering my first boyfriend, and how terrible he was for my self-esteem. You see, in high school I was pretty fit, and I didn't really have a weight problem. But this bf was a really insecure jerk, and yes, I put up with it for 3 years. He was very good at keeping my confidence low and affirming that I was overweight and unattractive. I realize now that this was because he was incredibly insecure and jealous. What better way to keep your girlfriend in line than to tell her that people make fun of her behind her back and that she is lucky to even have a boyfriend. Sigh. I realize that there is no point kicking myself for this, but oh how I would love to go back in time and give this guy a good ass-kicking, verbally of course. I think it would feel pretty damn good to set the record straight with him. But perhaps bygones should be bygones. Since now I have a husband who cherishes all of me. His biggest concern in my health, and he certainly does wonders for my self-esteem. Of course, I am well aware that it is ME who should be in charge of my self-esteem, not any outside influence. But let's admit it, it doesn't hurt to have a big fan of all things me ;-)

I had a good fit day yesterday, since I walked at lunch and then did upper body resistance training last night. I am feeling stronger every day, which is a nice change. I'm still holding my breath for the increase in energy.

Sore shins & calves

Well I dragged my tired butt out for a walk today and just as I was feeling proud of going for walk even though I wasn't 'feelin' it, my calves and shins began to hurt. I couldn't go nearly as fast as I wanted to :-( So tonight there will be much stretching after we do upper weights. I always tend to forget the importance of stretching.

Weigh In Wednesday

I'm 297.2 today - which is obviously not good, but it is not as bad as a few weeks ago when I was 299.8. Phew! This increase in activity is obviously helping. I'm trying to get the fitness habits down and then I'll be more attentive to my food intake. I'm being somewhat attentive, in trying to eat real food and not overdo any treats. So far, so good.

I'm feeling physically better, feeling strong and fitter already. I've been doing cardio pretty much everyday, and adding strength training a few days a week. Now I need to add in stretching.