Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This . . .

That song just popped into my head as I was about to start this post, and it seems quite appropriate. A few weeks ago my doctor suggested that I try reducing my dose of Celexa, since it has been a few years since we tried last, and I was feeling pretty good. I had visions of coming off them completely, and magically feeling great, despite my history of serious withdrawl symptoms. Well, I barely made it 2 weeks into reducing my dosage, and only by 10mg, and I could no longer handle the withdrawl symptoms. I immediately began to feel like a failure, when my darling husband reminded me that this is not a personal failure, in fact, it isn't a failure at all. Period. I have to admit that without his reminders, I would be much, much harder on myself. What a gem!

More on Acceptance

I just read this awesome post about fat acceptance and this made a HUGE light go on for me. Check this out: http://kateharding.net/but-dont-you-realize-fat-is-unhealthy/. So far I am learning a lot with several sites, including: http://watrd.wordpress.com/.

A few posts ago I said that I was more comfortable with the size acceptance thing instead of the fat acceptance thing for me personally. I would like to revise my opinion. With some reading I realize that I am both, in that I passionately agree that everyone should be treated with dignity regardless of weight, height, skin color, sex, sexuality, disability, religion, etc. I agree with Kate's post as linked above, and I understand that I can be healthy and be on board with the fat acceptance movement. These things are not mutually exclusive.

I find it funny though, that as I learn more about accepting my body and loving myself as is, I become less and less motivated to make myself thin. Perhaps I am starting to see the bigger picture, perhaps there is a bigger light coming on within me. Maybe, just maybe, I can take good care of myself, become fitter and more toned and not remain obsessed with the scale, the measurements, the number of calories, etc. My husband keeps telling me this - why is it that someone we live with or are very close to can tell us something for years, and I truly mean years, and it isn't until we read it or hear it from somewhere else, that we actually begin to believe that it might have some merit? I can't count how many times J and I have had the exact same conversation, where he encourages me to get healthier, that I shouldn't care about all those pesky numbers, and that I should pay attention to how I'm feeling. He tells me I'm great just the way I am, and that he hopes we can do more physical activities together, like hiking in the mountains. This is not an unreasonable request (he's not talking Mount Everest people, but a 1-3 hours hike in moderation).

I'm excited about these possibilities. I have hope. Last week I was overwhelmed with the numbers and forcing myself to change, trying to ignore the hunger, and now I'm thinking that there is another way. I just need to open my mind and see the possibilities.

Mondays

Not so long ago, Monday's signified that 'restart.' You know, there aren't that many diets that start on Fridays, or Wednesdays, etc. But as I've mentioned, there is no restarting for me now, I want to treat my health focus as an ongoing journey, one that does not get to stop and start, because really, it doesn't.

The weekend was pretty good, although I spent a bit too much time in the sun on Saturday and felt ill for the rest of the day. This meant that I missed working out, and skipped a few meals. But by Sunday I was feeling better, but still didn't have an official workout. I got sucked into a good book yesterday, and didn't finish it until 10 pm last night. I love finding a good book to read, but I get a bit to 'involved' with it and have trouble putting it down.

Speaking of books, I got my 1st month prize in the mail on Friday. I have been reading this blog (http://www.dietgirl.org/dietgirl/) and decided to buy her book. I think it will be enjoyable and inspiring. What I like about Shauna's site is that it's honest, clever and real. I can also really relate because our stats are similar: same height, close starting weight, close goal weight. I can only hope to be as successful as she is.



I'll keep you posted on the prizes and progress, hopefully more good things to come!

Intuitive Eating

I stumbled across some information on intuitive eating: http://www.intuitiveeating.org/ and I find it quite fascinating. From my limited understanding, it is a non-dieting approach to eating, which involves listening to your body's internal cues to decide when, what and how much to eat.

What I really like about this approach is that for me, it would mean that I wouldn't have to obsess about counting calories, fat grams, etc. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that a few months ago I was very unfocused on what I was eating, in fact I gave myself permission to eat whatever/whenever I wanted. My weight stabilized, which really surprised me. What was also surprising was that the more permission I gave myself, the less I actually wanted unhealthier foods. When I gave myself permission to eat as much chocolate as I wanted, I had it once a week, or twice a week in smaller portions. Knowing that I could have it at any time took away my usual tendency to want to binge on it, because I would normally tell myself, "I'll have this now and then get back on track." It was almost as if I had to make it worth my while if I was going to 'cheat.'

It's not totally clear to me how this is all going to fit into my goals of getting healthy and losing weight. I have some internal conflict over giving up 'counting' and relying on my body to regulate my eating. What if I don't lose any weight? Or, gasp, what if I actually gain more weight? I'm afraid of giving up that control, despite the fact that I so often lose the control, beat myself up, and then start the control process all over again.

I found the intuitive eating information this morning, just in time, since a group of us were going out to a food festival at lunch. I was worrying about what I was going to eat that would be healthy/low-fat, etc. Once I read a bit of that site, I relaxed and felt much happier thinking about how maybe I could still reach my goal of health without the anxiety and stress involved with tracking everything. We went for lunch and I just picked what I wanted, instead of worrying or obsessing about it. I enjoyed myself!

The jury is still out, but I'm giving this some serious consideration. I've also been reading some information on the fat acceptance movement, and the size acceptance movement. I'm not really that informed in these areas, but I think for me, I tend to learn towards the size acceptance movement, for my situation. I know that I'm not super healthy where I am and that needs to change, but at the same time, I am very tired of beating myself up for being fat. So I'm trying to understand how to love and appreciate my body, and work at changing it. In some ways that is really the key: when I decide that my body is precious and a valuable part of my being, I can see that it deserves to be well taken care of with good food, exercise, adequate rest, and play. Loving my body does not really align with eating way too much, or neglecting to get any exercise for months at a time. The impression I get with the fat acceptance movement, is that it would advocate accepting where I am at the moment, and not necessarily trying to change it. That's just not working for me - even if I get why other people would do it. I come back to everyone being different and needing different approaches.

Struggles Ahead

This is harder than I thought it was going to be. Last night I sort of decided that I need to have a better appreciation for my body, instead of having such a big hate-on for it. It's my fault that I'm obese and out of shape. My body has just reacted to its environment, and done it's best to function. That may sound a bit loopy, but it just makes sense to me.

I'm finding it hard to resist eating at night, when I'm watching TV. I work all day, go for my walk at lunch, come home and make dinner, feed and play with the dogs, and then I usually take an hour or two to decompress in front of the tube. Then the need to eat strikes. Last night I managed to get by with water, since I'm pretty sure I wasn't actually hungry. The night prior I had some chips. Luckily we're almost out of junkie type foods at home, and I'm doing my best not to replenish them. J's good in that way, he's cool with me not bringing home junk food.

I'm tracking my intake on fitday and I see that I'm still consuming too much fat overall. My goal for today is to reach 30% or less in fat. And perhaps to aim for 2200 calories instead of 2400. I'm going to be having a lunch tomorrow that will likely but me over the top, so I'm preparing for it.

I'm also trying to rid myself of my celebrity gossip addiction. It's a guilty sort of pleasure, and with all the free online sites, it's way too easy to access. J calls it 'porn.' Humph.

Small Succuess is Still Success

It's hard not to weigh myself all the time! I planned on weighing in once a month, but I found myself on the scale this morning checking to see "if I'm on track." I'm down 0.6 pounds since one week ago, granted I weighed myself after I ate breakfast and drank a some water. So I'm estimating that I'm down a bit more than that. Regardless, I'm happy with the little win.

The battle continues: I'm taking a rest day today because my plantar's is acting up, and my knees are sore. So a rest day it is, although I did take a little stroll just a few minutes ago to loosen up. I'm hoping to get in some stretching tonight.

I was pretty hungry this morning, which is not fun. I know that I may need to be a little bit hungry now and then, but not super hungry, as self-control is hard to come by in those situations. So I went and got some turkey noodle soup to supplement the sandwich that I brought for lunch. Hopefully this balancing act will get easier over time.

Diets Suck

Like many women, I have tried (and failed) many, many diets, and with each one I had a similar problem: not enough calories. So many diets subscribe to the "one size fits all" approach when they advise a 300-pound woman to eat the same number of calories as a 150-pound woman. Years ago I thought, "Shouldn't the heavier person eat less since they have more to lose?" But now I know that our bodies burn more calories when they are heavier, particularly when there is more muscle mass.

The other fallacy that some diets promote is eliminating entire food groups, or completely eliminating 'treats.' Yes, I realize that eating junk food 3 times a day is a bad idea. But never allowing yourself to eat chocolate again is ridiculous. I know for me personally, the moment that I promise myself, "No more junk food at all," that that is the only thing I crave from then on in. I may be able to do it for a week or so, but then I end up bingeing on chocolate, chips, fries, etc. However, the times when I've done the opposite and said to myself, "You can eat whatever you want," I eat much less junk. (Obviously I haven't gotten it all figured out just yet, or I wouldn't be near 300 pounds.)

So where is the middle ground? What I've seen again and again is that different approaches work for different people, and the key is figuring out what works for me. I'm following the Canada Food Guide with some modification (since they don't factor in current weight), and I'm using fitday.com to track my caloric intake, aiming to eat around 2200-2400 calories per day. According to fitday, I'm burning approximately 2900 calories a day before doing any exercise, so I'm taking off approximately 500-700 calories/day to aim for a loss of 1 – 1.25 pounds per week. I'm also allowing myself a treat a day, or less, depending on cravings and overall fat intake. I'm aiming for 30% or less of fat, 50% carbs, and 20% protein.

I'm also adding in resistance training this week, following the women's Body for Life method. More details to follow.

Do I have all the answers? No, of course not. But I'm doing my best with what I know at this time.