I'm Back

It's been almost a year since I last posted anything. I sort of fell off the blog wagon and into old habits. The good news is that I haven't gained weight over the last year, but lost a tiny amount. My new weight is 296 as of today, and I'm leaning towards less and less.

Past year progress - I have been fairly active, either walking or doing an exercise video 3-6 days a week. I have been eating a bit better, and I am taking up tracking calories again. I am beginning to realize that this is really the only thing that works for me: tracking my intake and remaining active. I am not happy at this weight at all. Regardless of how much more I love myself and accept my body, I still realize that I need to lose a significant amount of weight to be comfortable in my body. And by comfortable, I mean being able to do the things that I want to do, to have more energy, and not to lug around these extra 100 pounds anymore!

Frustration and Renewal

I feel like a broken record, saying the same thing over and over again. And then doing nothing about it. I have renewed my focus once again, to start living better and losing weight. I am living a somewhat inactive lifestyle and only eating good some of the time. So there is certainly room for improvement. I am fairly frustrated with my lack of progress, although I see quite clearly why I haven't made any, since I haven't stuck to any changes.

So this means that I'm back to being more accountable, tracking my food, scheduling and hopefully participating in more exercise. Because it doesn't matter how much I try to pretend that I'm content with being at this weight, I'm not. I'm not even close.

Carry On

I keep reading more of the FA materials out there, and I see the argument that not every fat person is sitting on the couch eating junk food. It makes me think of how often I sit around eating junk food. This is not something that is easy to admit, especially since it sits squarely on my shoulders. I know that I eat more junk food than I really should. I know that I am often too sedentary for my own good. I pretty much took last week off from exercise, as I was feeling under the weather thanks to that time of the month.

Regardless, I can see that I need to be more honest with myself and take responsibility for my actions. I am not one of the fat people who are super healthy in their lifestyle. I am a fat person who can pretty easily see how and why I got to this place, as difficult as that is to admit. I noticed a lot of mindless eating this weekend. I had admitted to myself the truth last week and was doing pretty good for a few days. Then the weekend arrived and I threw that all aside to indulge a bit too much. The stupid thing is that half the time I don't even want it, but I've bought it and it's sitting there, and I end up having it because I'm bored, or because I'm watching TV. I really don't want to look back at my life and see that I could have changed my behavior and gotten healthier and felt better. I have literally made myself sick by eating too much junk food, in terms of having a sore stomach and bad digestion. WHAT AM I DOING!?

There, I've said it again. Maybe if I keep admitting it, I won't be able to easily set it aside when I want to revert to old behaviors. The other thing I always struggle with is eating more of the good stuff. You see when I'm used to having treats during the day, I literally save room for them. For example, we had sandwiches on Saturday, and instead of filling up on fairly healthy sandwiches, I only had a small one, and then had a cupcake with 2 inches of icing on it. So if I go forward and stop having the cupcake/chocolate/caramel/etc. as often, I need to replace that with some healthier food if I'm hungry. I seriously find that a difficult task sometimes, as I've trained myself to save that room for the 'good' stuff.

My goals for this week:
1. Eat mindfully - be aware of what I'm eating and how I'm feeling before, during and after.
2. Exercise at least - 3 or 4 days this week - given how busy it's going to be
3. Record my food to be accountable
4. Listen to my body

Well there we have it. We're going on vacation next week, but I refuse to fall into the "might as well eat what I want, since we're almost on vacation." I also want to move a lot and eat well on our vacation.

Just Say No

I've had two small wins in the last 24 hours that I want to note. Last night we had a moderately healthy dinner, 2 kinds of veggies, poirogies(sp?) and sausage and light sour cream. I had water instead of pop, which was getting easier and easier to have with every meal. I really wanted something sweet after dinner, which I pretty much always do. But I restrained myself and I felt fine. I wasn't really craving it badly, it's almost more of a habit lately, which isn't doing me any favors. Half the time I don't feel that great physically when I have too many rich foods, or too much sugar. So this is where the listening to my body and being more mindful of what I'm ingesting becomes important. So that's win #1.

Then today at lunch we went out with a group from work. I had a clubhouse on multigrain bread with homemade french fries, because I was quite hungry and that appealed to me. I only ate what I wanted and left some on the plate. When dessert menus went around, I said no thanks. Once again, having dessert at lunch often makes me feel sick, so duh, I should be saying no way more often. I seem to function well with 3 meals and 2 snacks a day.

So far, being accountable is going well.

Truth and Integrity

Over the long weekend I did some thinking about truth and integrity, as it applies to my body and health. I have not been truthful with myself about what the big picture is of my health, and I have not been truthful about what I'm really doing.

• I am not eating all that healthy most of the time
• I am not pushing myself to gain fitness
• I am not listening to my body all the time

There, I said it. I have gotten really good at living in denial about my body and health. I have used FA as a way to continue that denial. I am not happy with my health right now, and that has to change on multiple fronts: the way I see myself and how I take care of myself. I hate how much I've lied to myself and others about this.

So where does that leave me? Well, I'm more aware today, and I hope to maintain that awareness. That includes admitting that I haven't been feeling at that great. I've been even more tired lately, if that's even possible. I'm not blaming this on my weight necessarily, but I'm going to address the fatigue, since I made an appointment with my doctor and am going for a thyroid test later today. It is quite possible that my actual weight has nothing to do with, but then again, maybe it does. It may have much more to do with the fact that I'm eating quite a bit of sugar and fat. I know that's not good for my health, no matter how I justify it as intuitive eating (sorry IE). I seriously doubt it's intuitive eating - it's much more likely emotional eating, my main vice, my chosen coping mechanism for stress, fatigue, etc.

There are also health issues that are closely linked to my weight: acid reflux, and knee and foot pain. Of course there is also the feeling of being this heavy, the physical feeling of being this weight, lugging it up stairs, hauling it around with me. This is uncomfortable for me. I can only ever speak for me and how I feel. I've been so impressed with women that I've read about in the FA movement, that I've forgotten that it's okay for me to have my own ideas and opinion about what's best for me. I would like to lose some mass to feel more comfortable, to lighten the load a bit. I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

And of course, just as important is loving my body. That is a tough one, and it always has been. I am continually apologizing to my body for being so unloving. I once read about someone who "loved their weight off." This women lost weight by loving herself enough to eat healthier and take better care of herself. I'm not saying that I'm going to do anything drastic to lose weight, and for that to be my only focus. I am saying that if I truly adopt a healthier approach, I believe that I will become healthier, and likely lighter. And if I don't lose any weight, but feel healthier and better, then that's fine. Although I have some serious doubts about that happening, since I don't think this is my happy weight. (I define happy weight as the weight your body goes do when you're living healthy and loving yourself. Mine is not 300. I suspect it is somewhere between 210-230.)

Knowing

I am in a bit of a body-hating cycle right now, I am sad to admit. I was flying pretty high on the FA premise, feeling like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, pardon the overused pun. Now I'm feeling pretty low about my body and my weight, so I'm going to try to find some good FA/self-acceptance literature to change my perspective.

There is such a difference between learning about something and graduating to 'knowing' it on a deeper level. But even though I realize that it will take some time to really live FA, I am frustrated none the less. I even found myself counting calories this week! Egad! The truth is that I have be careful not to use FA as an excuse for overeating and being unaccountable about my health. I am a devious creature, and if I can find a reason to eat junk food more often, I usually will. But I have to remember that FA is about acceptance of self and others, no matter what appearances may be. It's not about giving myself permission to give up on living a healthy lifestyle and not taking care of myself.

On the good side, it is Friday of a long weekend. I have some fun plans, and some relaxation planned. Hopefully I can find some clarity and peace.

The Facts

Yes to FA. Yes to health. And yes to losing some weight. There seems to be mixed opinions on losing weight while subscribing to the Fat Acceptance ideology. I have decided that for me, I need to lose some weight for health reasons. And it is through loving and accepting my body as worthwhile that I am going to achieve this. So I'm putting up my stats chart again, and I'm going to weigh in once a month, like previously. I want to get down 10 pounds and see how I feel. Then I'll go from there. Although I suspect that I'll want to get lighter still. This is a personal decision that I am making for my own reasons. I am not implying that anyone else should need to lose weight.

Here's my September 1 prize, a new pair of Dansko clogs:



I can't wait to get them! I hope they fit!

Another Monday

I am still so up in the air about work that I can't seem to concentrate very well. I am frustrated that my boss left for a few reasons. First, he was such a good boss. Second, when he left I sort of thought, "I wish I was leaving." But then it comes back to bad timing, since I should really wait for the regrade to come through. So I'm waiting, but I'm certainly not happy that I'm waiting.

I've had this restlessness before in other jobs. When I left the computer place, I realized I should have done it much sooner. But then I left in a rush and took a job that I shouldn't have. When I left that job, I came here, which was a pretty good decision. This time I don't want to rush, I want to be sure that I'm making the right decision, and that I'm heading in the right direction. It's just so difficult when I don't know what I really want to do.

On the health/body front, I'm feeling a bit down. My pants are feeling a bit tight, and despite my new body acceptance efforts, I find it easy to fall back into old body-hating patterns. I plan on going for a good walk today at lunch to help ease my mind and give my body some much needed exercise. I still want to add in resistance training, but I've been lazy in not wanting to go to the gym during the nice weather, or because I want to read my book, or "insert-lame-excuse-here." I'm still walking the line in between true self acceptance and the great temptation to start yet another diet.

So it seems that there is plenty on my plate, pardon the pun. On the plus side, only 3 more weeks until I'm on vacation. Hurray!

Still No Energy

I am unhappy to report that I still have little to no energy. Today has been especially trying, and it's only after lunch. I did go for my walk, but I went at a much slower pace today, since I listened to my body and knew that it wasn't a good idea to push it too hard. I feel a bit better since my walk, my headache has subsided.

I wonder how other people manage their fatigue. I think I need to investigate that further.

Some Clarity

I've been struggling for a while now on what my path looks like. I found Fat Acceptance and thought of not changing much at all. Then I was tempted with some crazy diets and weight loss promises. I am beginning to think that I can find a nice balance between FA, health and losing weight. I want to lose at least 10 pounds to see how that feels on my body and my health. There are a few side effects of my weight that I suspect would be better if I was a little bit lighter, like sleeping and foot pain. I realize that I can accept other quite easily, and I fully agree with the components of the FA movement. In addition to that, I know that for me, I need to get healthier and take responsibility for my body. That includes accepting it and cherishing it, and more importantly, taking good care of it through getting enough sleep, exercise and nutritious food. I am not advocating any major restrictions or extreme exercise, because I know for me, it's not worth it.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately about body image, FA and such. I can't believe how much hatred there is, well, maybe I can believe it, but it makes me feel down. This one blog, obviously not of the FA persuasion, talked about how anyone over a size 10 had to be fat, with no exceptions. It just made me really angry at the ignorance and the overall judgement. Of course the comments lambasted the female writer for being such an idiot. I just don't understand why people don't get it: people come in all shapes and sizes. It's hard to compare it to other scenarios, but maybe it would be like lambasting someone for having straight hair, or curly hair, or blue eyes. What I keep coming back to is that no matter what the reason is for a person being fat, it doesn't give anyone the right to mistreat them, ever.

On a side note, I sometimes think of my own fat as a shield. When I was single, it kept the men who were looking for arm candy away. It has always kept friends away that would hate to be seen with a fat woman. So I guess in a strange way it has done some good for me. My husband and friends love me for me, no matter what size I am at. Listening to some women say that fat women cannot be happy makes me angry, but then sort of calm down and realize that its just plain ignorance. I also wonder why these people get so angry at fat people. I wonder if they are made because they are working their asses off and are miserable, so they have to direct that anger somewhere. Sort of like, "Here I am going to gym 7 days a week, eating nothing but coffee and vegetables, fitting into my size 4 clothes. How dare these fat people be happy with their bodies and their lives, AND enjoy food! The gall!!!" That's just a guess of course, but sometimes I definitely pick up on that vibe.

So here I am, on my journey, in hopes of finding the right balance.

Ranting

Maybe ranting is good thing every once in a while. I'm feeling a tiny bit better, but I'm also feeling frustrated about a bunch of things. First, I am getting sucked back into the "must lose weight to have a life" mentality, and I'm not happy about that. Second, I'm feeling impatient about work stuff, not knowing what's happening with my job description and what that is going to mean. Third, I'm worried about money, given the husband's career changeover and what that all means.

After writing that it seems that I have a few reasons to feel yucky. Instead of beating myself up for not feeling that great right now, maybe it would be more beneficial to be more gentle with myself. I hate how I can realize something, like the previous statement that I have told myself time and time again, and then forget it and then fall right back into old patterns. I guess it just takes a while to stick.

More of the Same

I haven't really felt the need to write this last week or so, I'm still feeling pretty tired and depressed. I'm in a hold and wait pattern until I start to feel better. I am walking and eating pretty good. I'm sleeping lots and hoping that soon I'll be back to normal.

I'm Such a Beginner

I want to share a few things that I have realized over the last little while, and that have brought me to this realization: I don't know a whole lot, but I'm going to keep learning. OK, it sounds a bit like an after school special, but I have my reasons. You see, I'm really, REALLY new to the blogging world, and the Fat Acceptance movement and I'm pretty damn green in the feminism realm. I took a Women's Studies Course last summer and LOVED it. It brought into my awareness so many issues that I hadn't really thought through before. Obviously, it just scratched the surface, but it was a start. I'm reading quite a few blogs right now that are awakening my mind to so many amazing ideas, along with making me more aware of my own privilege.

When I first started this blog, I thought of using it as a weight-loss journal. But I'm realizing now that I don't want to go down the route of only focusing on weight. I want to explore my own self-acceptance. I want to move beyond my years of being blinded by my own ignorance. You see, for most of my life I assumed that I was the problem - if I just lost weight and got smaller/thinner/prettier that I would fit in and my life would be great. Now I'm pretty sure that's just bullshit. My appearance is not the problem - the way people are treated based on their appearance is the problem. I want to better understand this and contribute positively to the fat acceptance movement, along with accepting all people no matter what their situation is (i.e. race, religion, disability, sexual preference, etc.). I want to learn about other women's viewpoints, not just women like me, but every voice.

What I'm trying to say is, I think this blog will evolve into something much more than it is now. It is in its infancy, and I hope to create something real here.

I went with some friends and saw Julie & Julia (http://www.julieandjulia.com/) last night. I really enjoyed this movie for several reasons. Both Amy Adams and Meryl Streep were amazing. I loved seeing all the food, it made me hungry and it also inspired me to cook more interesting food. I'm sure I'm not that unusual in that I end up cooking the same things, about 20 or 30 recipes that are just recycled over and over again. But it would be nice to find some more flavourful recipes and be a bit adventurous.

I also appreciated the fact that Meryl Streep (Julia Child) was a somewhat bigger woman who was beautiful and well liked. I get so freaking tired of movies portraying women any bigger than my thumbnail as the fat chicks who don't get their love interest, and is really only in the movie to reinforce the stereotype that all fat people gorge themselves on food and have absolutely no other interests. I suppose in this movie Julia does love to eat, but in this case it is celebrated.

The movie also reminded me of my own love of writing. At one point in the movie, Julie says to her husband, "You aren't a writer until you are published." I have to disagree with that one. Anyone can write, and thus be a writer. And I'm pretty sure that there are plenty of good written works out there that have not been published, but that are amazing none the less. I'm reminded of an interview I did once with a local author who told me, "If you want to be a writer, you have to write." You might be thinking, well duh! But what she went on to explain was that if you wanted to be a writer, you needed to write your ass off, not just when you got your brilliant idea, or when you knew exactly what you were going to write, or when it was convenient. She explained that you needed to write as often as possible, even if it was about nothing. So here I go, writing my self-indulgent blog about my health and my life.

Monday Morning Meh

Here it is, another Monday morning. I am feeling very tired, since neither J nor I slept well, and thus we kept each other awake with our tossing and turning. I wasn't very active this weekend, apart from doing chores going to the dog park for a short walk. But yesterday I did notice a bit of improvement in my mood (keep fingers crossed).

I am still trying to wrap my head around loving my body as is, and losing weight. While I don't want to start counting calories, I'm not sure if I can lose weight without doing that. J keeps saying that I should try to do it all through exercise, but I'm resistant to that mostly because of my need for balance. I don't want to become obsessed with exercise just like I have been obsessed with calories and/or food in the past.

So where does that leave me? I'm not quite sure yet. I'm doing better at listening to my body for hunger and satiety cues. I'm moving more. Still need to get more sleep during the weeknights. I guess I'll just have to wait and see at this point.

Conflicting Forces

Today should be Happy Friday, but instead I'm feeling the doldrums. I am still conflicted with the accepting my body as is vs. the need to get healthier. It is very hard to change old habits, and I mastered body-hatred a long time ago. So far I've found a few examples of women who lost weight and loved themselves, but so often I observe women losing weight through massive restriction and self loathing. How many reality series feature the fat woman who needs to lose weight to make life worth living?

This all ends up coming back to balance and working to create a healthy lifestyle. I'm still recovering from the attempt of reducing my meds, which is taking longer than I though. I am also struggling with digestive problems, supposedly IBS. This isn't making things any easier. I'm still fantasizing about crawling into bed and never coming out.

That's likely enough of a pity party for today, or at least until I have something more inspiring to write.

Old Habits

As they say, "Old habits die hard." This is certainly true for me, especially lately. I weighed myself this morning, after I decided to only weigh in once a month (stayed the same). I was even considering giving up the weighing thing altogether, because the more I read about accepting and loving myself, the more I realize that that is very likely the path to be taken. But like I said, old habits die hard. I've caught myself thinking about losing weight, and get this, going on a diet. When I first started reading about the anti-diet movement, I thought, "Holy crap, how awesome would that be to never diet again! The freedom!" And now I'm scared to death to let go of those old behaviors that caused me so much anxiety and unhappiness.

As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I tried reducing my antidepressant medication and it has not gone well at all. I am really struggling right now, and so perhaps this is not the best time to be expecting too much. I mean, I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, never mind feel hopeful about changing the way I think about myself. But thankfully, that loving inner voice is still somewhere in here, whispering, "It's OK. Just do the best you can to take care of yourself right now." In the past, I would have never let that voice come on through, so I see that this as progress.

J is going to gym a lot right now, and I'm barely making it through the day. Granted, I am getting 4 or 5 days of cardio in each week, either walking at lunch or going to the dog park. But my old insecurities reared their ugly head when I began to feel like he was leaving me behind. He was going to become this muscle-bound gym guy who spent every waking hour swimming or lifting weights. Everyone would wonder why he was married to someone so overweight and obviously less fit. Talk about a little pity party!! I mentioned this to him and he replied, "This isn't about you. I need to do this for me." Yes, my ego was hurt for a brief moment, and then I realized that he is right, and that there is no need for me to freak out.

My general fatigue and exhaustion lately is not helping things. J seems convinced that he needs to really encourage me to push harder in my exercise routine. Maybe it's that I'm struggling right now, but it makes mad. I mean for god's sake, I can barely get out of bed in the morning, I make it to work, I go for a walk at lunch that is pretty good in terms of speed and effort, and then when I finally make it home at night I still make dinner and stuff. I just don't have anything left after that! Seriously, I can't imagine going to the gym after a full day - that's just not where I am right now! I think that part of listening to my body and loving myself is to accept this and NOT beat myself over it. This too shall pass . . . I think.

I guess it's hard for him to understand my fatigue - fair enough. He's a pretty energetic person, only needing 6 or 7 hours sleep a night, while I could do 10 or more every night. He can go all day long and still work out at night. But we're comparing apples and oranges. He doesn't know what it feels like to be here inside my body, and vice versa. So really, we just need to accept each other's situation and be supportive. At some point I might need a bit of a push to move beyond what I'm doing, but that push is misplaced if its used right now.

Ho Hum

I just got back from my walk and once again, I'm wondering why I'm so tired. I always hear people talk about how great they feel after working out. Not me, so siree. I have a snack about an hour before my walk to make sure there's enough fuel in the tank, and then I eat lunch when I get back from my walk. Yet everytime I get the exercise low, and I've got to tell you, it's not exactly the motivator I'm looking for! I would really love to feel better. Perhaps more research is required . . .

Past Present and Future

I have spent a lot of time mulling over the past, especially when it comes to thinking about weight loss. I can look at a picture and tell you how much I most likely weighed the time, and no matter what that weight was, I still thought I was fat. Of course I look back now and think, "Damn, I looked good!" But that moment has passed and I see where I am now and get a bit pissed with myself for not seeing my beauty back then. Then I slowly realize that the only way to break this pattern is to stop beating the crap out of myself now, in the present. So instead of nurturing my self-made 'hate-on,' I've got to nurture self-love, no matter how self-help-cliche that sounds. My beauty is not defined only by my appearance, and I certainly don't see others only as their outer shell. So why should I spend all of my energy only worrying about that aspect of myself?! Well, that's pretty obvious to me at this moment, but I'm sure I'll rehash this again and again until it becomes a habit.

My weekend did not go as planned. I was sick for most of the weekend with stomach/digestion issues, as yet truly defined by the medical field. I realized that I'm sick a lot, with either tummy issues, or headaches, or paralyzing fatigue - and I have to say, I'm getting pretty damn fed up with it! I missed out on going to the gym, and spending more time with J, all because I was either in bed, or on the toilet. (Too graphic? Well hell, it is my blog, so I suppose I can be as graphic as I like ;-) Anyhow, this got me to thinking about how much time I spend feeling sick, and thus, how much I miss out on. I think I need to investigate further - since a good friend who recently discovered she has celiac disease told me, "Feeling sick was the norm. It wasn't until I felt better that I realized how awful I had felt for so long." HOLY CRAP! I would love to feel better! I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowel Syndrome a few years ago, but I never really figured out what to eat and what to avoid. In my defense, that seems to change on a daily basis, some days I can have dairy, and some days it makes me sick. The same is true for meat, fried food, etc. I admit, I'm a bit lazy when it comes to this, because it usually passes, and when I'm feeling fine I don't feel like analyzing what I'm ingesting. But as I write this, I suspect that a detailed food journal is in order, to record all the messy details about my food reactions, so that I can come up with some sort of recovery plan. Because this is getting RIDICULOUS!

So while this blog originally began in my mind as a 'weight-loss' blog, it has really morphed into something so much more hopeful. As I mentioned before, I don't want to spend the rest of my life obsessing/regretting/hating/etc about my weight. I want to love myself, take good care of myself and live my life to the fullest (cue angels singing uplifting chorus!)

Withdrawal vs. Depression

I was thinking about the medication withdrawal thing and I remembered what my doc said, "Withdrawal symptoms mimic depression, but it's actually your body going through withdrawal, not depression itself." When he first said this to me in his convincing way, I thought, "OK, I can deal with that. It's not depression, it's just withdrawal."

Several weeks later it hit me: WHAT THE HELL IS THE DIFFERENCE!? IF IT LOOKS LIKE A DUCK, QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, IT'S PROBABLY A DAMN DUCK!!! As I'm reeling from 'withdrawal' symptoms, that feel EXACTLY like depression, I realized that it really doesn't fucking matter if it's withdrawal or depression, I still feel like absolute hell! So, as I've readjusted my meds to their original level, I'm waiting for things to stabilize. I'm also waiting to tell my doc how ridiculous his argument is, and that I'm not doing this again, if ever.

Just like J says, if it's working, don't mess with it. Of course, him being the wiser of the two of us, at least most of the time, he was not too keen on the idea of me changing my meds. Damn, why does he have to be right all the time! Lesson learned - I am still a grasshopper.